Witch Hunt!
by Evilmini86
Summary: -Episode 8 is up-(The Prince and the Playa')- Saionji starts a witch hunt! Filled with weird randomness and lots of dirty Touga and Akio! Read this if you want to laugh so hard that you'll fall out of your chair and need medical assistance. READ!
1. The Rose Witch

Witch Hunt!  
  
Episode I: The Rose Witch  
  
(Disclaimer: I don't own sh*t! Wait a sec...why does anyone do this stupid disclaimer crap?! Like Ikuhara-san or Chiho-san are gonna read this and even give a crap. In fact, the only reason why I put a disclaimer was so that I could type bad out them. This story seems to be going downhill already. Oh, well! Enjoy!)  
  
--Touga, Juri, and Miki are riding the elevator up to the meeting area.  
  
Touga: If it cannot break out of it's shell...  
  
Juri: Goddammit Touga! Shut the f*** up!  
  
Miki: Oh, Juri, you should not say profanities.  
  
Juri: (glaring at Miki sharply) Midget!  
  
Touga: The chick will die without being born...  
  
Juri: Why do YOU always get to say it? Why not me? I can shoot my frickin' mouth off about eggs and chicken fetuses!  
  
Touga: We are the chick...  
  
Juri: You do realize that you just called yourself a chick, right?  
  
Touga: The...um...dammit Juri! You made me lose my place! Now I've got to start over.  
  
Juri: Sh*t!  
  
Miki: (stops stopwatch) Juri!  
  
Juri: Not that stopwatch again!  
  
Touga: If it cannot break out of it's shell, the chick will die without being born. We are the chick; the world is our egg. Um...  
  
Juri: Don't tell me you forgot the rest!  
  
Touga: Well...something about an egg...and crack...  
  
Juri: Eggs are incredible and they're edible! For the REVOLUTION OF THE...  
  
Miki: (with a huge tormented eyes) But if Touga doesn't finish the monologue then...then...  
  
Juri: (shaking him) Then what???!!!  
  
Miki: We'll be trapped in this elevator forever! (screams uncontrollably)  
  
Juri: Rrrright.  
  
Touga: (reciting to himself) We're the chick, world's our egg, um, I got it! If we don't crack the world's shell, then we will die without truly being born.  
  
Miki: (still screaming) HURRY! I'M CLAUSTROPHOBIC!!!  
  
Touga: Smash the world's shell!  
  
All: FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!!!  
  
--The elevator doors fling open. Saionji is standing there wearing a pilgrim outfit. To his right is a huge cage. It is covered in pink sheets. The student councils' meeting area is now a courtroom.  
  
Touga: Saionji? My sheets? Those were $500 sheets from a catalogue. You know that!  
  
Saionji: Serves you right. No one leaves me like that in the morning.  
  
Juri: What the f*** Saionji?! What the f*** is all this?  
  
Saionji: Welcome to the Town Meeting! Please sit down, members of the jury. (snickers)  
  
Juri: That was so funny I forgot you were an a**hole!  
  
Saionji: Shut up and sit down!  
  
Touga: What are you wearing?  
  
--Saionji pulls someone out of the cage. It's Anthy, also wearing pilgrim attire.  
  
Saionji: Miss Himemiya! If that is your REAL name. Dress my guests in the proper attire for the meeting.  
  
--Anthy waves her arms around. The three student council members are now dressed in pilgrim clothing.  
  
Juri: Saionji! Have you lost your mind?!!!  
  
Touga: What is all of this?!!!  
  
Saionji: A trial!  
  
Miki: (cowering in the corner) Oh my God! I swear I didn't do it! I'm a good boy! A GOOD BOY!!!  
  
Juri: No one's accusing you of ...  
  
Miki: A GOOD BOY!!!!! It wasn't me! She made me do it! She made me do it!!!  
  
Touga: What's wrong with him?  
  
Juri: Dun know?  
  
Touga: Saionji, what's with these clothes? They're marring my beauty. (smiles at camera)  
  
Juri: Where'd the camera come from?  
  
--And who steps out from behind the camera? None other than...  
  
Akio: Chao!  
  
Juri: Damn.  
  
Touga: Hello...(gives a kinky grin) Mr. Chairman.  
  
Akio: And hello to you to, Mr. President.  
  
Saionji: (angrily) Let this meeting come to order!!! Now. Ahem! Let's get started. First on trial...  
  
Miki: (screaming wildly and flailing his arms) I told you! I didn't do it! She made me! She made me!  
  
Saionji: Silence! Now, first on trial is Anthy Himemiya.  
  
Akio: (giggling) You got in trouble! Nya-nya-nya nya nya-nya!  
  
Anthy: (glares at Akio)  
  
Saionji: Now Miss Himemiya. State your crime.  
  
Anthy: But I've done nothing wrong Saionji Sir.  
  
Saionji: I said STATE YOUR CRIME!!! (raises his hand to slap her)  
  
Akio: (grabbing Saionji's arm) No! Saionji! You mustn't hit my dear sister.  
  
--Everyone looks at Akio in amazement.  
  
Akio: Let me do the honors. (he slaps her)  
  
Anthy: (falls to the ground)  
  
Akio: State your crime.  
  
Anthy: (holding her cheek) Witchcraft. I have been accused of witchcraft.  
  
Saionji: By whom?  
  
Anthy: (pointing) Her!  
  
--All of a sudden, Nanami appears in a very classy pilgrim dress. She walks to the witnesss stand.  
  
Nanami: (laughing insanely) Yes, it was I who accused Miss Himemiya of witchcraft. Now you can all truly see that Anthy is a weirdo 'cause she uses witchcraft.  
  
Saionji: On what grounds do you charge the defendant?  
  
Nanami: Huh?  
  
Saionji: Do you have any proof Miss Kiryuu?  
  
Nanami: (begins to cry) She's possessed the mind of my dear brother!  
  
Touga: Oh, really Nanami? Come on!  
  
Nanami: He doesn't care about me anymore. He rarely hugs me and he won't...he won't...  
  
Saionji: What is it?!  
  
Nanami: He won't kiss me anymore!!! WHAAAAAAAA!!! WAAAWAAAWAAA!  
  
Touga: (shaking his head) Nanami! I'm your brother!  
  
Nanami: My DEAR brother.  
  
Touga: I save my kisses for people outside of my family.  
  
Akio: I don't.  
  
--Everyone bursts out laughing, except for Anthy. She clutches her fists and bites her lip.  
  
Anthy: I don't believe that was appropriate, Akio.  
  
Akio: Awww, no "dear" brother.  
  
Anthy: (holding in anger)  
  
Saionji: ORDER! ORDER! Now. Members of the student council. Please fine the defendant.  
  
Miki: (still in the corner crying) Please don't make me. I can't make decisions. Please don't make me!  
  
Juri: Get up and sit in this chair so we can find the defendant guilty or innocent.  
  
Miki: What are you going to do to me?!  
  
--Juri picks up Miki and tosses him onto the chair. Touga grabs some rope and they tie him to the chair.  
  
Miki: (screaming at the top of him lungs) STOP IT! STOP IT! RAPE! RAPE! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS! I CAN'T TAKE IT! NO MORE SEXUAL FAVORS!  
  
Juri: What the f*** is he talking about?!  
  
Touga: Don't know, but it sounded kinda sexy. (smiles to the camera)  
  
Akio: Make love to the camera baby.  
  
--Touga walks over to Akio and pulls him from behind the camera.  
  
Saionji: ORDER! GODDAMMIT TOUGA!!! ORDER! Sit down and fine her...  
  
Juri: It's 'find her.'  
  
Saionji: She's right here Juri. Now please take your seat you man-whore!!!  
  
Touga: (flips hair) Calm yourself. There's always room for green Jello.  
  
Saionji: (blushing) Um...ORDER IN THE COURT!!! Fine the defendant NOW!!!  
  
--Juri and Touga turn to the screaming Miki to come to a conclusion.  
  
Juri: (standing) We find the defendant...not guilty.  
  
Nanami: I object!  
  
Touga: On what grounds?  
  
Nanami: The floor!  
  
Touga: Listen. I know Miss Himemiya hasn't taken over my mind. I just don't like you like that okay.  
  
Nanami: But dear brother!!! (cries hysterically)  
  
Saionji: Security!  
  
Suzuki: At!  
  
Yamada: Your!  
  
Tanaka: Service!  
  
All: Mr. Saionji Sir!  
  
Saionji: Take her away please.  
  
Suzuki: Where do you want us to take her?  
  
Saionji: I don't care!  
  
Yamada: This could be the answer to our prayers.  
  
--They pick up Nanami and take her off to the elevator.  
  
Nanami: (screaming) Where are you taking me?!!!  
  
Tanaka: You'll see.  
  
Nanami: Help! Help! SOMEONE SAVE ME! DEAR BROTHER!!! DEAR BROTHER!!! MITSURU?!!! ANYONE!!!!!!  
  
--Yelling is heard through the sheets over the cage.  
  
Mitsuru: I'm sorry I can't help you Miss Nanami!  
  
Miki: (struggling in the chair) Just say NO! Nanami! Don't let them touch you!!! DON'T LET THEM TOUCH YOU!!!  
  
Saionji: Sweet Jesus! Order! Order! Back to the case! Why is she innocent?  
  
Juri: The proof was unjust.  
  
Saionji: But she used magic to change your outfits.  
  
Touga: She's the Rose Bride Saionji. You should know that it's magic and not witchcraft she uses.  
  
Juri: He's just jealous of Utena.  
  
Saionji: (pointing at Juri) WITCH!!!  
  
Juri: (pointing at Saionji) BITCH!!!  
  
Saionji: Grrr! Fine! The witch lives.  
  
Anthy: But I'm not a witch, Saionji Sir.  
  
Saionji: That's not what Akio said in the movie.  
  
Anthy: That was you! AKIO!!!  
  
Akio: Smile at the camera honey.  
  
Anthy: (screams) I can't take this anymore!  
  
--A voice shoots out from the cage.  
  
Utena: And you shouldn't have too!  
  
Juri and Touga: (shocked) UTENA!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~ To Be Continued ~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
In the next installment of Witch Hunt...  
  
Will Utena be put up for trial? Will Anthy stand up to Akio and Saionji? What's wrong with Miki? Who made him do what ever he did? What will Suzuki, Yamada, and Tanaka do to Nanami? Why is the author so damn sexy? All of these answers and less in the next episode of Witch Hunt!  
  
***PLEASE REVIEW AND IF YOU'D LIKE...GIVE ME SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR DEFENDANTS OF SAIONJI'S WITCH HUNT. DOMO!!!*** 


	2. The Second Day of Trials

Witch Hunt!  
  
Episode II: The Second Day of Trials  
  
--Touga, Miki, and Juri again ride the elevator up to the courtroom. Miki seems to be quite calm for a change while Touga giggles in the corner.  
  
Juri: What's with you, Egg Boy?  
  
Touga: Oh, nothing. Just can't wait until today's trial.  
  
Juri: What's so special about it? It can't be any weirder than yesterday's.  
  
Touga: Anthy's trial?  
  
Juri: No. Utena's?  
  
Touga: Oh. (gesturing with chin) I see it all now. (nodding to the elevator wall)  
  
Juri: What the hell are you doing?  
  
Miki: Are we there yet?  
  
Touga: Come with me, Miki and Juri! (a curious wind blows about the elevator blowing their pilgrim duelist uniforms open) Come with me to the End of the Flashback!  
  
Juri: Jesus! Touga! (buttoning her top)  
  
Miki: (screaming) NO! PLEASE STOP! AT LEAST LET ME KEEP MY CLOTHES! I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT! I'LL DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!  
  
Juri: Thanks Touga. Now you got him started again.  
  
Miki: (frantically fixing his clothes) DON'T MAKE ME!!!  
  
Touga: Well, leave him here while we go to the flashback.  
  
Juri: Fine.  
  
--They both make thinking gestures to the elevator wall. The air begins to fog up and swirl and a black & white illusion of yesterday's events are played before their eyes.  
  
Saionji: Step forword, Miss Utena Tenjou.  
  
Utena: (stepping...well, forward) Yes.  
  
Saionji: State your crime.  
  
Utena: I've done nothing...except kicking your ass!  
  
Akio: (snapping) Don't go there, girlfriend!  
  
Juri: What the hell, Saionji?  
  
Saionji: What were you accused of?  
  
Utena: You accused me of witchcraft.  
  
Touga: Honestly Saionji.  
  
Saionji: Didn't you see how she beat me?! That was so magic.  
  
Touga: Whatever.  
  
Utena: That was Dios.  
  
Saionji: Dios? Who's Dios? Isn't that the god of war?  
  
Utena: No. That's Ares.  
  
Saionji: Then who is he?  
  
Juri: Have you lost your mind?  
  
Touga: This is getting weird.  
  
Saionji: Who's this Dios character?!  
  
Utena: How stupid can you be?!!  
  
Saionji: WHO'S DIOS?!!  
  
--A beautiful, glowing apparition falls from the sky and lands in the witnesses stand.  
  
All: DIOS!!!  
  
Saionji: ORDER! Order in my courtroom. Now, who are you?  
  
Dios: I am Prince Dios and I have come to kick your ass. Just as I have aided Utena in doing so many times before.  
  
Saionji: What?!!!  
  
Touga: That Dios is one hell of a prince. Go you sexy mother!  
  
Dios: Let Utena go free, for she is innocent.  
  
Saionji: And if I don't?  
  
Dios: I told you. I'll kick your ass.  
  
Saionji: Sure, whatever.  
  
--Dios chases Saionji around with a menacing sword.  
  
Saionji: (screaming) COURT IS ADJOURNED!  
  
--The fog returns and everything shifts back to Touga and Juri staring at the elevator wall.  
  
Touga: Wow! That was interesting. What did you think?  
  
Juri: You massive tool.  
  
Miki: Where were you guys?! Why did you leave me all alone? That's how she gets you. When you're all alone. She comes out of nowhere. With that duck. That duck!  
  
Juri: We were here the whole time. It was just a flashback.  
  
Miki: (stops stopwatch) ONE MINUTE AND FORTY-EIGHT SECONDS!!! That's how long you were gone!  
  
Juri: Sure. Well, we're back now.  
  
Touga: Let's get to the courtroom now. Shall we? (clearing throat) "If it cannot break...  
  
Miki: Faster! Hurry!  
  
Touga: You think you can do better.  
  
Miki: In summary, we must break out of this world in order to truly know ourselves.  
  
All: FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!!!  
  
--The elevator doors open. Saionji is once again perched at the judge's seat, surveying the courtroom.  
  
Touga: I hate you!  
  
Miki: I just really needed to get out of there.  
  
Saionji: (sporting a broken wrist) Welcome members of the...of the... (sputters out in laughter) HAHAHA!!! Oh that's beautiful! That's good stuff. Oh, that never gets old!  
  
Juri: God Damn you Saionji.  
  
Miki: Juri! Language.  
  
Juri: I'll let her come and get you!  
  
Miki: NO!! Please don't do that! Please! She'll make me do it again! The bad things! THE BAD THINGS! BUT I'M A GOOD BOY!!!  
  
Juri: Yeah, we know.  
  
Saionji: ORDER! Now. Jury... (snickers) please take your seats.  
  
Touga: This is gonna be one hell of a trial.  
  
Juri: (glares) I hate not knowing what's going to happen.  
  
Miki: What's going to happen?! Are we in danger?! What's wrong? OH, GOD! IS SHE COMING?!  
  
Juri: Shut up!!!  
  
Saionji: Court is now in session. Bring out the next defendant!  
  
Kanae: Good morning Your Honor.  
  
Saionji: State your name and crime.  
  
Kanae: Ohtori Kanae. Witchcraft.  
  
Juri: Do you have to ask them their crime every time? It's always witchcraft!  
  
Saionji: ORDER!!! Now, Miss Ohtori. Who has accused you of witchcraft?  
  
Touga: (laughing uncontrollably) This just gets better and better.  
  
Juri: Hyena.  
  
Saionji: Order! Please answer the question, Miss Ohtori.  
  
Kanae: Akio. Ohtori Akio.  
  
Akio: Ciao!  
  
Saionji: The cameraman? Is he your brother?  
  
--Everyone looks at each other puzzled then bursts out laughing. All of a sudden, the author (Evilmini86) dashes out of nowhere...  
  
Evilmini86: Hey! It could happen. Look at Mamiya and Tokiko!  
  
Miki: Where'd you come from? Did 'she' send you?  
  
Evilmini86: Um, no. Well, my purpose here is over. Goodbye everyone. (starts to walk away) (shouts) Akio has a mullet!  
  
Akio: HEY! No one's supposed to notice that! Get back here!  
  
Evilmini86: (running) Akio the Mullet Prince!!!  
  
Akio: You little b***h!  
  
Evilmini86: Go stargazin' mother f***er!  
  
Akio: Face me like a man!!!  
  
Touga: Give it up Akio. The author's gone.  
  
Miki: I'm so scared. Someone save me!!!  
  
Saionji: What the hell? Order! Now. On with the case.  
  
Kanae: Akio is not my brother. He's my fiancé.  
  
Saionji: You're marrying your brother?  
  
Kanae: NO!!!  
  
Saionji: Then why do you two have the same last name?  
  
Kanae: Because...beca...I don't know. Akio, why do we have the same last name?  
  
Akio: Because you're a witch. Now shut up and hang her so I can go on screwing all of the women of Ohtori without anymore problems!  
  
Kanae: I knew it! Who are they?!  
  
Touga: More like who AREN'T they. (laughs histerically)  
  
Akio: (joining him) Let's see. I've done (counting on fingers) her, her, him, her...I haven't done Juri. I'm not her type. HAHAHA!  
  
Juri: You little...  
  
Akio: I've had Shiori, and so has Ruka and Touga and...  
  
Juri: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!  
  
Saionji: Order!!! (slamming hand down on the stand) Ouch! I forgot I broke it. Stupid Dios! Back to the case.  
  
Kanae: So you're saying you've done everyone else in this school except Juri.  
  
Akio: No, most of them though. At least more than half.  
  
Kanae: List the people I do know.  
  
Touga: This is gonna take all night honey!  
  
Akio: Anthy, Shiori, Touga, Wakaba, Utena, your mom...  
  
Kanae: WHAT?!!! My mom?!!  
  
Akio: Yeah, that reverse Cinderella thing with the shoe works like wonders.  
  
Touga: It's his thing. You know you're gonna get it when he does that.  
  
Kanae: What shoe thing?  
  
Touga: You've never seen the shoe thing?  
  
Akio: That reminds me...I never screwed your sister, Nanami.  
  
Touga: Neither have I...well yet.  
  
Kanae: What shoe thing??!!!!  
  
Touga: You never did that to her?  
  
Akio: I never did her.  
  
Touga: Oh, that's why she's so bitter.  
  
Kanae: (screams) WHO ARE YOU AKIO!!!! I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE!!!  
  
Akio: But did you ever really know me? You've never even had a ride in my pimpin' hot-rod.  
  
Kanae: Hot rod? I thought you had a Honda.  
  
Akio: Honda? HAHAHAHAHA! Hell no!  
  
Touga: This is precious!  
  
Juri: (giggling) Even I've taken a ride in it.  
  
Saionji: Me too. Nice Mileage.  
  
Miki: Me three. It's got real leather in the interior. Sweet.  
  
Kanae: (stunned) Anyone else?  
  
Akio: Pretty much everyone. Yup, everybody.  
  
Touga: Everybody whose played a descent part in the show.  
  
Akio: Except Souji Mikage and Mamiya. Oh, yeah! I screwed Mamiya too.  
  
--All of a sudden Mamiya and Mikage appear.  
  
Mamiya: I'd call that molestation.  
  
Miki: AHHH!!! That's what she did! That's the word! THAT'S THE WORD!!!  
  
Juri: Shut up.  
  
Kanae: What the hell?! Not you two.  
  
Akio: I thought you couldn't remember anything about that day.  
  
Kanae: I don't. Who are these young men?  
  
Saionji: This is just getting out of hand. How'd you get up here?  
  
Mamiya: Why, my magic of course.  
  
BANG!!!  
  
Saionji: (holding a steaming shotgun) Witch.  
  
Mikage: NO!!! My small young lover!  
  
Saionji: (aiming at Kanae) Jury...hehehe...guilty or guilty.  
  
Kanae: (pulls a gun out of her purse) Dead.  
  
BANG!  
  
Saionji: Well, since she committed suicide that means she's a witch.  
  
Akio: I'm a bachelor again.  
  
Touga: Cool. (pulls out cell phone) Hello Moto!  
  
Akio: Who are you calling?  
  
Touga: Oh, wouldn't you like to know.  
  
Mikage: (holding Mamiya's dead body covered in blood) Oh, Mamiya! How could they?!! I loved you! Mamiya.  
  
Akio: Oh, shut up. He wasn't real anyway.  
  
Mikage: What?  
  
Akio: Duh. Stupid. He's just a freaky mirage of Anthy as a boy.  
  
Mikage: No! It can't be!  
  
Akio: And you've been dead for like 20 years or something.  
  
Mikage: Did I die in the fire?  
  
Akio: You started that! God, weren't you watching that episode?  
  
Mikage: Not really. I was...um...busy.  
  
Akio: 'Doing' what?  
  
Mikage: Mamiya.  
  
Akio: Won't you just fade away now, dead boy!  
  
--Mikage and Mamiya begin to fade away.  
  
BANG!!!  
  
Saionji: (holding shot gun) That was magic.  
  
Akio: You really need to stop.  
  
Touga: (on the phone) Hello, is this Keiko?  
  
Akio: I think that's enough for today. Me and my camera are going to be busy tonight. (nudging Touga) Am I right?  
  
Touga: Hehehe. Um...never mind Keiko. Maybe another night. I think two's enough for me. (hanging up phone) Unless one of you would like to join in? Miki?  
  
Miki: AHHHHHH!  
  
Touga: Anyone?  
  
Juri: No.  
  
Saionji: Hmmm...let us deliberate to the judge's chambers.  
  
Akio: Oh, Saionji.  
  
Saionji: Call me, Your Honor, Mr. Chairman.  
  
Touga: It's a date. Farewell.  
  
--The three of them leave. Juri and Miki are left sitting there in front of the bodies of Kanae, Mamiya, and Mikage.  
  
Miki: What do we do now?  
  
Juri: I don't know. We are alone, ignoring the dead bodies.  
  
Miki: What are you suggesting?  
  
Juri: Even though you are a boy...  
  
Miki: No Juri! NO!!!!!  
  
Juri: Oh, come on? Who else you gonna be with? Your sister? Hahaha.  
  
Miki: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! No! NO! Please no! Not her! Not the duck!  
  
Juri: What are you saying?  
  
Miki: (runs away screaming) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Juri: What's wrong with him?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~ To Be Continued ~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
In the next installment of witch hunt...  
  
Who "molested" Miki? Will Saionji shoot anymore people? Will anyone ever find the tape that shall be made tonight in the judge's chambers? Did the author forget all about Mitsuru? Will Keiko ever get a real date with Touga? Will this story ever make sense? No. Did the author just get sexier? All of these answers and less in the next episode of Witch Hunt!  
  
***PLEASE REVIEW AND IF YOU'D LIKE...GIVE ME SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR DEFENDANTS OF SAIONJI'S WITCH HUNT. DOMO!!!*** 


	3. For Whom the Judge Smiles

Witch Hunt!  
  
Episode 3: For Whom the Judge Smiles...  
  
--Once again Juri, Touga, and Miki ride up the elevator...OF DEATH!  
  
Touga: (giggling) Today's going to be GREAT!  
  
Juri: Not again.  
  
Miki: Can you just PLEASE say the thing so we can get out of here! IT'S DARK!  
  
Touga: World-shell-egg-die-born-crack-revolution!  
  
--The doors fly open.  
  
Saionji: Welcome! We have two very interesting trials for today.  
  
Touga: Three.  
  
Saionji: Two.  
  
Touga: Three.  
  
Saionji: Two.  
  
Touga: Three.  
  
Saionji: TWO!!!  
  
Touga: THREE!!!  
  
Juri: ENOUGH!!! Shut up! Let's just get these trials over with so we can all go home!  
  
Saionji: Fine, fine. First up is Mitsuru Tsuwabuki.  
  
Mitsuru: (sitting at the stand) WHY AM I HERE?!! I'M NOT A WITCH!  
  
Saionji: Ah-ha! So you're a warlock! He's admitted it himself lady and gentlemen. We've even got it on camera!  
  
Akio: Ciao!  
  
Mitsuru: But who accused me?!  
  
Saionji: Those three weirdos that always follow Nanami and took her away the other day to do God know what.  
  
Mitsuru: NOOO!!! Miss Nanami!  
  
Saionji: How sad. (aims shotgun)  
  
Juri: What are you doing?! Your crazy!  
  
Saionji: Fine, fine. You can go.  
  
--Mitsuru runs off screaming for Miss Nanami.  
  
Saionji: Think I could still get 'em for herre?  
  
Juri: Put the gun down you imbecile!  
  
Saionji: Fine, fine. NEXT!  
  
--Kozue emerges from the pink draped cage.  
  
Kozue: Can we get this over with? I have a... oh, Miki. I've been looking for you. You've been avoiding me and you haven't come home.  
  
Miki: AAAAHHHHHHH!!!  
  
--Miki tries to run but Juri grabs him.  
  
Juri: What's the problem now?  
  
Miki: It's her!!!  
  
Kozue: What are you going on about?  
  
Miki: That's the girl with the ducky, and the hands that go touchy, and the lips that go kissey, and the voice that says, "touch me," and the razor that goes cut me, and the AAAHHHH!!!  
  
Kozue: I didn't do anything that he didn't like.  
  
Miki: No! I wanted to keep my clothes, and my neck, and my eyebrows, and my virginity...  
  
Kozue: Whatever, Miki. You liked it.  
  
Miki: No! It isn't true!  
  
Saionji: So is she a witch or not? I'm getting' trigger-happy over here!  
  
Miki: Shoot her! Shoot her!  
  
Kozue: Shoot him! It's not like he was very good anyway.  
  
Miki: I'm not THAT bad...am I?  
  
Kozue: Utena's got more manhood then you do!!!  
  
Miki: Lies! Lies!  
  
Touga: Lies!  
  
Akio: Excuse me, Mr. President?  
  
Touga: What? We were in the shower room at school.  
  
Akio: He's in the middle school section and you are a senior.  
  
Touga: We're both in...um...sword fighting classes.  
  
Akio: The fencing team and the kendo team are in two different buildings.  
  
Touga: Oh, forget it. I molested him in the music hall.  
  
Miki: Bad memories! BAD!!!  
  
Kozue: Another one! How many people have molested you now?  
  
Miki: Well, there's that one music teacher, Touga, Mikage, you...  
  
Kozue: I don't count! That's incest! Not molestation!  
  
Miki: Denial!  
  
Kozue: (pulls a rubber ducky out of her pocket)  
  
Anthy: (pops out of nowhere) SQUEAK! SQUEAK!  
  
Akio: Oh, hello...Anthy.  
  
Touga: Mr. Chairmen?  
  
Akio: Cool it! Now, Anthy, where were we?  
  
Anthy: MISS UTENA!!!  
  
Utena: Fuck off!  
  
Akio: What?! HOW DARE YOU?!  
  
Utena: I have three words for you.  
  
Akio: Huh?  
  
--A bright light shines from the sky and a magical prince falls from the castle where eternity dwells. Dios reaches the floor, then begins to pummel Akio into little bits of mullet sushi!  
  
Utena: Stop...hitting...yourself.  
  
Anthy: Very funny Miss Utena.  
  
Utena: Nihongo!  
  
Anthy: Utena-sama.  
  
Utena: En español!  
  
Anthy: Senorita Utena.  
  
Utena: No Portugues!  
  
Anthy: Senhorita Utena.  
  
Utena: In italiano!  
  
Anthy: Signorina Utena.  
  
Utena: Auf Deutsch!  
  
Anthy: Fräulein Utena.  
  
Utena: En français!  
  
Anthy: Mlle Utena.  
  
Utena: In English! Anthy: Doshite?  
  
Utena: Anshi-san, machigat-te i-masu ka?  
  
Anthy: Ie.  
  
Utena: Chotto Anshi. (pulls Anthy close and holds her) Anata-wa i-idesu ka?  
  
Anthy: Utena-sama, aishiteru.  
  
Utena: Chotto ni.  
  
Anthy: Gomen-nasai.  
  
Akio: What's with the Japanese soup opera...  
  
Saionji: And in the middle of my court room.  
  
Touga: (yawn) Can we get this show on the road?  
  
Kozue: KILL HIM!  
  
Miki: HER!  
  
Kozue: HIM!  
  
Miki: HER!  
  
BLAM!!!  
  
Saionji: What the?!!  
  
Touga: Is it over already?  
  
Saionji: Did get that on tape Akio?  
  
Akio: Yes, I did.  
  
--Utena and Anthy are making out in the corner.  
  
Juri: OH MY GOD!  
  
Miki: I can't believe what I just did! (holding a smoking revolver in his hands)  
  
Saionji: YOU WITCH WITH YOUR MAGIC BULLETS!!!  
  
Miki: No! I'm not a witch!  
  
Saionji: Miki's a witch, Touga's a slut, Akio's a perv, Juri's a lesbo, and I don't even want to think about those two making out in the corner.  
  
Touga: CHICK ON CHICK MAKEOUT SCENE!!!  
  
Utena: (pausing from kissing) I'm a prince!  
  
Anthy: Yes, Prince Utena!  
  
--All of a sudden, the elevator doors open. A tall, beautiful woman with long wavy green hair steps through to the platform.  
  
Saionji: Who are you newcomer?!  
  
Midori: Don't you remember me, Kyouichi?  
  
Saionji: No! It can't be!  
  
Midori: 'Tis I, your dear sister, Saionji Midori.  
  
Touga & Akio: BUM BUM BUUUUM!!!  
  
To be continued...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
In the next episode of Witch Hunt! Who is this Midori character? Why does her name mean green in Japanese? Is the author really that lazy? Why the heck did the author bring her in out of nowhere as a cliffhanger? Does he really like cliffhangers that much? Why does he keep going on and on with these stupid questions...over...and over...and over again?!! More of these STUPID questions and way less answers than you'd expect in the next installment of Witch Hunt!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	4. Kiss the Cook

Witch Hunt!  
  
Episode IV: Kiss the Cook  
  
*~*~*~*But first, a note from the author*~*~*~*  
  
Hello to every one of you out there whom dare to read the ideas that flow out of my crazy mind and onto this little word document uploaded for your viewing pleasure. Your feedback is greatly appreciated, even if it is cruel criticism or flaming. At least I know that my story was important enough for you to waste your time on something you thought wasn't funny or didn't like. Hey, you read it right! So yay for me. Anyway, I'd just like to thank everyone who has reviewed and to urge all the others to do so too. Who knows, I might just send you a cookie...thank you for reading this boring letter. And enjoy Episode 4...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Saionji: Why? Why are you here, Midori?  
  
Midori: Simple. The author is going to co-write a story and he plans to put me in it.  
  
Saionji: So why are you here now?!  
  
Midori: Because, Kyouichi, he wants to try me out first.  
  
Saionji: And don't call me that!  
  
Midori: What? Don't call you, Kyouichi?  
  
Saionji: Yes, that!  
  
Midori: Oh, DO call you Kyouichi?  
  
Saionji: NO! Gah! I hate you!  
  
Midori: Awww, don't be mad big brother!  
  
Saionji: Shut up you little...!  
  
Akio: Come now! Sibling rivalries aren't healthy. I mean, look what happened to Kozue!  
  
Miki: I'm SOOOOORRY!!!  
  
Akio: Rrrright. Anyway, let's not have this happen again, okay. Especially, not to a woman of such beauty and grace as you my dear.  
  
Midori: How sweet. But no thank you. You just aren't my type.  
  
Akio: Damn! Another Juri I see.  
  
Midori: What? Who's that?  
  
Juri: That would be me. One of the few people who hasn't screwed Akio. Care to join the club; you can be the vice-president.  
  
Midori: Okay? This place is pretty weird. Why am I here anyway?  
  
Saionji: You mean you don't know!  
  
Touga: Such a beautiful entrance for nothing. Cest la ve.  
  
Midori: Damn! I hate when I forget my motivation! Now where's my script? (searching through her purse) Damn! I don't have it! Anyone got one with them.  
  
Akio: Can't help you. I'm all about improvisation. Wink wink. (chuckles)  
  
Touga: I memorize all of my lines.  
  
Miki: NO! YOU CAN'T HAVE IT! IT'S MINE!!!  
  
Midori: Rrrright.  
  
Saionji: I have mine, but you can't use it! So there! Nya-nya!  
  
Midori: Grrr! Imbecile!  
  
Juri: You really should join my club! We're on the same page.  
  
Midori: Metaphorically, or really on the same page of the script?  
  
Juri: Both. But I don't have mine with me.  
  
Utena: (walking up to Midori with Anthy glued to her arm...not literally) Here, you can use mine.  
  
Midori: Thanks. (flipping through script) Hmmm...here we go. Let's see. I come in, then I...oh, yeah! Kyouichi! I challenge you to a duel!  
  
Saionji: A duel of what?  
  
Midori: A Trivia-Off!  
  
Saionji: Fine! I go first! Name the three main characters in Aqua Teen Hunger Force!  
  
Midori: Frylock, Master Shake, and, of course, Meatwad! What's the one thing that all the Dragonball Z bad guys, except for the Saiyans, have in common?  
  
Saionji: Easy, they all have either the color pink or purple somewhere on their bodies, or in their mouths! Name 10 McDonald's burgers/sandwiches!  
  
Midori: What?  
  
Saionji: Are you too scared?  
  
Midori: NO! Big 'N' Tasty, Big Mac, McChicken, Spicy McChicken, Hamburger, Cheeseburger, Double Cheeseburger...  
  
Juri: Wait a sec! There aren't ten different "Mc" Burgers to begin with! FOUL!  
  
Touga: New question Saionji.  
  
Saionji: Fine. Um, what's the one character in this show that never has the white of her eyes colored in?  
  
Midori: Simple, it's Nanami. How many bells ring on that tower?  
  
Saionji: Um, four?  
  
Midori: Lucky.  
  
Saionji: Who is the real devil?  
  
Midori: Akio?  
  
Akio: That's me!  
  
Midori: How many people has Akio slept with?  
  
Saionji: That is an unfair question. The numbers are impossible to count and have never been kept track of. Akio himself doesn't even know!  
  
Akio: He's right.  
  
Touga: New question!  
  
Midori: I've got it! Who's the most screwed up person in this whole show?!  
  
Saionji: UTENA!!!  
  
Midori: Wrong! It's Anthy!  
  
Saionji: NO! But I hate Utena! She's sooo screwed up!  
  
Midori: Sorry, Saionji. But this whole Rose Bride stuff is way to weird. Anthy is...  
  
Nanami: A weirdo!  
  
BANG!  
  
Saionji: (reloading shotgun) Continue.  
  
Midori: Anthy is...  
  
Utena: My princess! Will you marry me?!  
  
Anthy: Oh, yes, my prince.  
  
Midori: Anthy is...  
  
Nanami: A WEIRDO!  
  
Saionji: Why won't you die?!  
  
BANG!  
  
THUMP!  
  
Saionji: Okay, go on.  
  
Midori: Never mind. That's not important. What is important is that I won the duel, so I get to be the judge now!  
  
Touga & Akio: BUM BUM BUUUUUM!!!  
  
Saionji: Grrr! Fine! But I'll beat you someday! For now, let's have a big barbeque.  
  
Touga: WHOOOT!  
  
--With a wave of Anthy's hands, the courtroom is transformed into a huge summer barbeque party thing.  
  
Touga: (standing in front of the barbeque with and apron, chef's hat, and a spatula) Hamburger or hotdog?  
  
Shiori: I think you know Touga. (giggling)  
  
Touga: (sarcastically) Hahaha, hamburger.  
  
Juri: Shiori! Where did you come from?  
  
Shiori: From behind that pink cage thingy. Why Juri? Do you want me to leave?  
  
Juri: There are no such things as miracles!  
  
Midori: What's wrong over here?  
  
Shiori: Oh, what's with the new character?  
  
Juri: Maybe if you read the script...  
  
Shiori: I only read the parts that I'm in. Like this part right here. (pointing in her script) I've been waiting for it for weeks. I was wondering what that SM stood for in the script. I guess that was you. What's your name?  
  
Juri: Her name is Saionji Midori, and stop flirting with her you slut!  
  
Shiori: What? Is she your girlfriend or something, Juri?  
  
Juri: Well, um...  
  
Shiori: Just what I thought. Still stuck on me. Poor Juri. Hehehe.  
  
Midori: Yes, I am!  
  
Shiori: What?  
  
Midori: I'm her girlfriend. She's moved on, Shiori. So get a life! Come on Juri. (grabbing her arm) Let's go!  
  
Juri: (they walk off to the other side of the party) But...but why? Why did you help me? That wasn't in the script.  
  
Midori: I know. But I just didn't think it was fair. A girl like her doesn't deserve the power that she has over such a great person. She was only trying to hurt you again and I'm not one to let that happen.  
  
Juri: Well, I thank you Midori. I truly do. But no matter what, Shiori will always have a hold on my heart.  
  
--Over by the punch bowl, Saionji is singing and dancing.  
  
Saionji: Bad girls! Talkin' 'bout the sad girls! Talkin' 'bout bad bad girls, yeah!  
  
Touga: Saionji?! Have you been drinking?  
  
Saionji: Only punch! ONLY THE SWEET SWEET NECTAR OF THIS SEXY SEXY PUNCH!  
  
Akio: Isn't he funny?  
  
Touga: Akio? Did you do this? Did you spike the punch?  
  
Akio: NO! Never! How dare you accuse me of such a thing?!  
  
Anthy: (drinking a glass of punch) O_o...*hiccup*...-__-...*hiccup*  
  
Utena: Anthy! Anthy what's wrong?!  
  
Anthy: It's rainin' pens! Halleluiah it's rainin' pens, hey hey!  
  
Utena: AKIO! YOU DRUGGED MY FIANCEE!  
  
Akio: NO! Never! How dare you accuse me of such a thing?!  
  
Utena: Come on Anthy! Snap out of it!  
  
SLAP!  
  
Anthy: Fiancee ni Naitari.  
  
Utena: She's back!  
  
Akio: Juri, care for some punch. I want you to join my club!  
  
Juri: Fuck off, Akio!  
  
Touga: Rejected!  
  
Akio: Shut up, Touga! You all shall eventually bow down to my will, no matter how sexy it may be! For I am End of the World! And I have the power to end the world!  
  
Touga: No you don't.  
  
Akio: But I could! AAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!  
  
Anthy: (waves her hand and Akio turns into a penguin)  
  
Akio Penguin: ....  
  
Utena: HAHAHA! That's what you get!  
  
Anthy: He's cuter this way, huh, Prince Utena.  
  
Utena: Yes, he is. Oh, Anthy. What would you like to eat? There's a variety of food here, but I...I just can't remember.  
  
Anthy: What's wrong?  
  
Utena: There's some salmon and some asparagus.  
  
Anthy: But that's not party food, Utena. And it doesn't even go together.  
  
Utena: And some egg...an omelet!  
  
Touga: What the hell? An omelet? I'm grilling hamburgers and hotdogs right here? See? Read the apron: "KISS THE COOK".  
  
Utena: No, that's no good.  
  
Touga: That's what we just said.  
  
Anthy: Are you okay?  
  
Utena: Let's see? Egg salad.  
  
Anthy: There's potato salad right here.  
  
Utena: I could make a sandwich.  
  
Touga: Hello! Hamburgers!  
  
Utena: Wait a second. (yelling) DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT ETERNITY IS? CAN YOU PLEASE TELL ME?!  
  
Akio Penguin: (waddle waddle) I get it. It's a dumb parody of the ending of episode 33. Nice, real nice. Is that all that the author can come up with?  
  
--EVILMINI86 pops in.  
  
KICK!  
  
Akio Penguin: OUCH! How am I supposed to get up now?!  
  
Evilmini86: You should have thought about that before you dissed my creativity, punk! (disappears)  
  
Anthy: Wow! He's gone.  
  
Utena: (waving) Goodbye author!  
  
Touga: This was a pretty weird day. If only it were funnier.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*To Be Continued*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
(No penguins or mullets were harmed in the making of this fanfic)  
  
(I apologize to anyone who may have experienced any traumas as a result of reading this)  
  
(But hey, you wanted to read it)  
  
(Did you like my sudden dose of plot?)  
  
(No? Me either)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
In the next episode of Witch Hunt!  
  
What will Midori do with her new position as judge? Will she be good or evil? Where was Miki during the party? Did anyone really miss him? Will Akio Penguin ever turn back to normal? Does anyone really want him to? Did the author spoil episode 33 for you without you even knowing? Yes...no, I'm just kidding. Trust me. I didn't...or did I? All of these answers and less in the next installment of Witch Hunt!  
  
(Note: To ask me any questions about myself, stories, or miscellaneous, eMail me or just review. I plan on making an interview page and in order to do that I need your help. Thank you and Bob bless.) 


	5. The Hotel Room Where Eternity Dwells

Witch Hunt!  
  
Episode V: The Hotel Room Where Eternity Dwells  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
--Touga and Akio relax in a hot Jacuzzi after the big summer barbeque thingy.  
  
Touga: This is one hot Jacuzzi, Mr. Chairman.  
  
Akio: Why yes it is, Mr. President.  
  
Touga: Oh! Why hello out there to all of you readers. 'Tis I, Touga Kiryuu...  
  
Akio: Along with Akio Ohtori.  
  
Touga & Akio: Bishonen extraordinaire!  
  
Touga: Some of you may be wondering, "but where is that hottie Saionji," or "where is the little cutie Miki" or some of you...um...unique people out there might be asking for Mikage and/or Mamiya.  
  
Akio: First off, we are the main bishionen of this show. Second, Saionji couldn't make it because, well, frankly his sister wouldn't let him go. And three's a crowd I must say. Thirdly, Miki's psychological problems kept him from coming.  
  
Touga: That and the fact that we didn't invite him.  
  
Akio: Oh, yeah. Anyway...  
  
Touga: It probably would have been illegal anyway. Isn't he like, twelve or something?  
  
Akio: Something like that. Anyway...  
  
Touga: He is kinda cute though. Even though he is a little boy and all. And of course everyone knows that I am a total homophobe from the Nanami's Egg episode.  
  
Akio: SHUT UP! Anyway, and fourth, Mikage and Mamiya are dead.  
  
Touga: Oh, yeah. I didn't see that one coming. It was just like BLAM and it was all over, ya know?  
  
Akio: Ahem! Back to the topic. We are here to host "a little thanks to all of you out there who have reviewed for this little bit of genius up to this point, um, party"!  
  
Touga: Oh, but beautiful ladies...or gentlemen if I must...please do not fret! If you are feeling perhaps a bit left out, then let me assure you. We shall come back again at the "Hey, we got 48 reviews" party.  
  
Akio: Yes, sweet luscious beauties just waiting to get a taste of this big hunk of bishonen sandwich floating in this hot tub. My chocolaty skin melting away at your fingertips. My manly hands all over your body. My big strong...  
  
Touga: Okay! That's enough of that! Cool it Akio. Do we need to spill some shaved ice in your Speedo? Hahaha. Anyway, first up I'd like to thank our fniggle giggle poo poo!  
  
Akio: What?  
  
Touga: Top story! Big! Big! Big! Fire! Whoooot! Walla Walla Washington!  
  
Akio: Touga! Are you high?  
  
Touga: Frou-frou monkeys on a cold Tuesday.  
  
Akio: Wait a sec! Who's fucking with the teleprompter?!  
  
Touga: I'm sooo horny, watch me squirm!  
  
Akio: Hey! Is that who I think it is!  
  
Touga: Yes, dumbass. I believe it is.  
  
Akio: You can stop reading the teleprompter now.  
  
Touga: I already did.  
  
Akio: Anthy!  
  
Anthy: So sorry dear brother. (runs off giggling)  
  
Akio: Whore! Okay, let's move on.  
  
Touga: Okay, I'd just like to thank the author for putting this project into production. It's really great working with him.  
  
Akio: Yeah, except when he gets violent.  
  
Touga: Only when you provoke him.  
  
Akio: Is this gonna turn into a clip show?  
  
Touga: Maybe it will, Akio. Maybe it will.  
  
(pause)  
  
Touga: On second thought, no it won't. Anyway, let's take this opportunity to have a few words with the creator. Ladies and gentlemen, great readers of Fanfiction.net, we give you, Evilmini86.  
  
Evilmini86: (enters the hot tub room and sits in a chair) Hello. (shakes hands with Touga and offers hand then fakes out Akio) Hey guys.  
  
Touga: So...(quote fingers) "Evilmini86."  
  
Evilmini86: You can drop the "86."  
  
Touga: Okay, (quo. fing.) "Evilmini."  
  
Evilmini: What's with the quote fingers?  
  
Touga: (quo. fing.) I "don't" know.  
  
Akio: Okay, stop it. Seriously.  
  
Touga: (quo. fing.) "Okay."  
  
FWAPPP!!!  
  
Touga: Dammit! Akio! That hurt!  
  
Akio: I warned you.  
  
Evilmini: Come on! Please! Isn't this "supposed" to be a serious interview?  
  
Touga: Yes, but...  
  
Evilmini: But what? It's hard enough to take it seriously when the two of you are soaking in a heart shaped hot tub in a sleazy motel room.  
  
Akio: Hotel! It's a hotel. The Eternal Love Inn.  
  
Evilmini: Rrrrright. Anyway, can we just move on?  
  
Touga: First off, where did you get the inspiration for this fanfic?  
  
Evilmini: Well, truthfully, from the Crucible.  
  
Akio: That's the famous play by Arthur Miller, is it not?  
  
Evilmini: Why yes it is. It's about the Salem witch trials. And I thought to myself. What if Saionji was the judge and the student council was the jury and Anthy was the defendant as a witch and Nanami was the accuser.  
  
Akio: Where did I come in?  
  
Evilmini: You were just a last minute throw in.  
  
Akio: (sniff) That hurts.  
  
Evilmini: A very important throw in at that. Just look at the lengthy parts you get after first just being a quick gag with a camera. Especially considering the fact that I hate you.  
  
Akio: Yeah, hey!  
  
Evilmini: Next question.  
  
Touga: Why do you write those long conclusions?  
  
Evilmini: You mean the "to be continued" parts?  
  
Touga: Yes.  
  
Evilmini: Well, I first did that in this story I wrote on fictionpress.net called The JEBUS Chronicles. The story was about a school in the middle of nowhere which the children had no parents and were split into two groups: brains against brawn. Then weird diseases start to ravage the faculty and Jebus, Son of Bob, must solve the case. It was fixed to a certain number of parts, like a mini-series. After a mini-series episode, they always give you a little preview. So I carried that to this story as well.  
  
Touga: Interesting. One last question: why do you sometimes write, "why is the author so sexy", in the conclusion? Are too lonely and need attention? Are you vain or are you ugly? What's your story?  
  
Evilmini: (gulp) Um, I just think it's funny. I'm not vain. I don't think I'm good looking at all. And I'm not lonely. I've got a girlfriend. And she thinks I'm hot. And...wait, why am I explaining all this to you?!  
  
Touga: Thank you for coming, Evilmini! See you later.  
  
--Suzuki, Tanaka, and Yamada try to escort Evilmini out of the room. But he runs back in and sits down.  
  
Evilmini: I get to comment on my reviewers too! Touga: Sure, whatever.  
  
Akio: Okay! Next up we have some acknowledgements for you reviewers out there.  
  
Touga: First off, we have to give it up for the first reviewer...  
  
Akio: Who has not only reviewed first, but also the eighth and ninth times!  
  
Touga: A round of applause for "Myself the Great." (both clap)  
  
Akio: I have to say that this girl is an awesome reviewer and has one of the best pen names ever!  
  
Touga: With a great website I might add.  
  
Evilmini: She even went out of her way to AIM me. She said....that I'm a genius! (sheds a tear)  
  
Akio: And her reviews are always lengthy and give you a warm feeling in your heart. Thank you "Myself the Great".  
  
Touga: Yeah...next up, we have to mention "drama-nerd016".  
  
Akio: This, I would assume a girl from the bio...  
  
Touga: But with the name Jamie...well, it could be a guy.  
  
Evilmini: Oh, well. No disrespect to you "drama-nerd016." Anyway, this person is known to the cast and I as "the critic." When there is any slight folly then "the critic" points it out.  
  
Touga: The thing that makes...um...it stand out is the way they blam without blaming.  
  
Akio: Flame without flaming.  
  
Touga: Mame without maming.  
  
Akio: Tame without taming.  
  
Touga: Blame without blaming.  
  
Akio: Name without naming.  
  
Touga: Frame without framing.  
  
Akio: Shame without shaming.  
  
Touga: Um...same without saming?  
  
Akio: No.  
  
Touga: Damn.  
  
Evilmini: And moving on...  
  
Touga: I'd like to mention my personal favorite reviewer. She once said, and I quote: "This is hiliarious! I love it! Touga is so sexy; I love him so much! You know, I hate Akio. Always have always will. He's so annoying. I hate him with a passion. Anyway, update soon please!"  
  
Akio: You forgot about the PS she left at the end.  
  
Touga: What PS?  
  
Akio: And I quote: "PS; Saionji is hot too."  
  
Touga: Oh that...whatever. Anyway, she is a Touga lover, not to mention an Akio hater; therefore, I love her too. May I introduce, "Cherry6124."  
  
Evilmini: She's also a frequent reviewer and always gives me...  
  
Touga: Us.  
  
Evilmini: Whatever. US...feedback.  
  
Akio: I don't like her.  
  
Evilmini: Get over it Lucifer.  
  
Touga: Next up, we have "kaoru66", "knshn4eva", "the shadow archer", "Jolteus", and "Quueenie."  
  
Akio: They are all single reviewers.  
  
Evilmini: Not that that's a bad thing at all. You guys reviewed my story and that is awesome in its self. Your single review is what separates you from the people who just read and click BACK. I thank you all!  
  
Akio: Yeah, yeah.  
  
Touga: Bitter.  
  
Evilmini: Now it's my turn to brag freakishly about my fangirls!  
  
Touga: Excuse you! You aren't a bishonen...  
  
Akio: Extraordinaire!  
  
Evilmini: But I can be! I've gotten numerous eMails from female fans! And at least three have searched me out through Instant Message! HAHAHAHA!  
  
Touga: Oh, big whoop.  
  
Evilmini: Don't test me! I can kill you off in Episode 6: The Day the Playboy Died.  
  
Touga: You wouldn't dare! Cherry6124 would kill you!  
  
Evilmini: Fine. I'll kill him in Episode 6: The Day the Mullet Died.  
  
Akio: HEY! No one's supposed to notice that I have a mullet!  
  
Evilmini: I never would have noticed it if you had kept your hair back in that stupid ball thingy!  
  
Akio: Damn.  
  
Evilmini: Anyway, it's time to brag about Fangirl #1! Buras_Mew! I named her Myu, ain't it cute?!  
  
Akio: Whatever.  
  
Evilmini: HEY! This is MY United States of Whatever, not yours! SO watch it, Mullet Prince. Anyway, Myu is a cute little Canadian girl...GO CANADA...and she was the first fangirl and my bestest eFriend! We are even co-writing a Kingdom Hearts fanfic together called The Fritos of Wrath! Or is it Fridos? Oh, well. Give it up for Buras_Mew!  
  
Akio & Touga: (clap half-assed)  
  
Evilmini: Episode 6: The Death of the Crappy Princes.  
  
Touga: Hey!  
  
Evilmini: Or...A Red Head, A Mullet, and A Funeral. I like that one.  
  
Akio: Okay...we're sorry.  
  
Evilmini: Moving on. Fangirl #2 is Demongirl666666.  
  
Akio: Mmmm...Demon, eh? That kinda sounds like devil. Heh heh heh...  
  
Evilmini: NO! DOWN BOY!!!  
  
Akio: (calls out) Oh, Demongirl! Six six six six six....  
  
Touga: Six.  
  
Akio: I said that already.  
  
Touga: No, you missed one.  
  
Akio: No I didn't.  
  
Touga: Yes you did, there are six sixes in her screen name.  
  
Akio: You only said six twice. And there are far more than that.  
  
Touga: I know. There are six.  
  
Akio: Six what?  
  
Touga: Six sixes.  
  
Akio: Six sixes?  
  
Touga: Yes.  
  
Akio: What's a sixes?  
  
Touga: Plural of six.  
  
Akio: You can't have more than one six. That would be sixty-six.  
  
Touga: No, six sixes is the same as six, six, six, six, six, six.  
  
Akio: Why did you just say sex six times?  
  
Touga: NO! I did not say six sexes!  
  
Akio: There aren't six sexes, silly! There's only two.  
  
Evilmini: Moving on from the stupidity, I'd like to enter myself into the Bishonen Hall of Fame!  
  
Akio: You can't do that!  
  
Evilmini: Why not?  
  
Akio: Um...why not, Touga?  
  
Touga: Because there are far to many of us.  
  
Evilmini: Then why can't I just replace someone?  
  
Touga: How about Miki?  
  
Evilmini: Wait a sec...I see it now. A Miki fangirl is gonna read this chapter and get pissed that we ditched Miki out of the club.  
  
Touga: Yeah, you're right.  
  
Evilmini: But on second thought...if they weren't mad already then they are pretty stupid.  
  
Touga: Right!  
  
Evilmini: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!  
  
Akio: I don't think it's wise to call your readers stupid.  
  
Touga: Only the Miki lovers!  
  
Evilmini: And the one's who think Miki/Anthy and Miki/Utena stuff makes sense. Honestly!  
  
Akio: Let them live their make believe.  
  
Evilmini: Fine...SUCKERS!  
  
Akio: You're just pissing off more and more readers as you go on. You just set yourself up for like...A MILLION BLAMS AND FLAMES!  
  
Evilmini: Holy crap! "Drama-nerd016"...please take pity on my fanfictioning soul!!!  
  
Touga: That's pretty pathetic.  
  
Evilmini: This thing is getting WAY too long. We should probably call it a night.  
  
Touga: Yeah, good night everybody!  
  
Akio: Oyasumi!  
  
Evilmini: Oyasumi-nasai!  
  
--They all wave goodbye. Touga and Akio turn and stare at Evilmini.  
  
Evilmini: What?  
  
Akio: Well, it's just that...  
  
Touga: Could you leave?  
  
Evilmini: Oh, I see. The bathtub boys need some privacy. Okay, sure sure.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*TO BE CONTINUED*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
In the next episode of Witch Hunt, one of the cast members of Revolutionary Girl Utena...somebody will DIE!!! Who could they be? How will they die? Why did this chapter suck so badly? How can the author possibly redeem himself? And again... why is he just sooo damn sexy?!!! How many meaningless questions do you think he can pull off? How did he pull off SIX already, right before our very eyes? Are six questions symbolic? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Should the author have a poll for best bishonen of this story? Yes. Okay then! Choose your favorite: Touga Kiryuu, Akio Ohtori, Kyouichi Saionji, Miki Kaoru, Mitsuru Tsuwabuki, The Onion Prince (Tatsuya Kazami), Souji Mikage, Mamiya Chida, Prince Dios, Evilmini86, or Tanaka/Yamada/Suzuki.  
  
(Note: The Onion Prince shall come in later.)  
  
When you submit your vote, you must tell me why you chose him and why you think he is the best bishonen of this story! Vote wisely and not that I need at least 10 votes to make a fair poll...SO VOTE!!! Okay, bye bye...and don't try to freaking vote twice. That is crap! Okay. Until the next installment of...WITCH HUNT!!! 


	6. The TOTALLY Scandalashious Tape!

Witch Hunt!  
  
Episode VI: The TOTALLY Scandalashious Tape!  
  
E-Ko: Hi! I'm E-Ko!  
  
F-Ko: And I'm F-Ko!  
  
E-Ko: And we are here with some jaw dropping news today!  
  
Solo Shadow Girl (SSG): Snik, snik, snik...  
  
F-Ko: Rrrrrright. Our top story for today: Infamous reviewer drama-nerd016 is not a girl!  
  
E-Ko: Oh! I smell some scandal!  
  
F-Ko: The gender of this reviewer was confusing due to the name Jamie.  
  
E-Ko: However, we have this statement from the author about this unfortunate mix up!  
  
F-Ko: Evilmini86 states: "It is of my deepest apologies that I have written a standout reviewer into one of my stories and gave them the wrong gender. However, I may add that I wrote it in as mildly inconclusive and when I read his reviews initially, I thought that "drama-nerd016" was male. But given the name Jamie, it could have been anybody: male or female. Furthermore, my assumption was entirely false. Therefore, I would like to make a clear retraction for the words typed in Episode 5: reviewer, "drama- nerd016" is in fact a guy. Once again, I do apologize. Thank you. PS: Free Kobe."  
  
E-Ko: Wow! That was heart felt.  
  
F-Ko: With a lot of unneeded diction.  
  
E-Ko: Don't be so pedantic, F-Ko.  
  
F-Ko: My apologizes. I digress.  
  
SSG: Snik, snik, snik...  
  
F-Ko: Okay...anyway! What about that whole Kobe Bryant matter? What's up with that?  
  
(crickets)  
  
E-Ko: Picking back up to the important news, so far the death count in Saionji's witch-hunt has gone to five with the recent death of Nanami Kiryuu. She won't be...I mean will be missed. Let's all give a moment of silence for her and all the others as we scroll their names down the screen.  
  
F-Ko: That shouldn't take very long. There's only 5 names.  
  
E-Ko: SHHHH!!!  
  
SSG: Snik, snik, snik...  
  
(stare)  
  
E-ko: And now for a moment of silence...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
F-ko: ...  
  
E-ko: ...  
  
--The cast of Utena sits around the TV watching the news.  
  
Juri: Oh, shit, this is gonna take forever. Sorry, had to say it.  
  
Miki: I don't wanna watch HER name scroll down.  
  
Touga: You act like all the molesting is over.  
  
Utena: Yeah, what about that freaky music teacher that Kozue pushed down the stares?  
  
Miki: Happy place, happy place.  
  
Touga: Can you all quiet down? If Saionji finds us, then we have to go to trial. The man's crazy! And you saw what the author wrote.  
  
Akio: (hiding under a blanket) In the next episode of Witch Hunt somebody's gonna die!  
  
Touga: Exactly!  
  
Utena: What scares me is that he never made a big deal about it when he killed off Mamiya, Mikage, Kanae, or Nanami you know? Right Anthy?  
  
Anthy: ...  
  
Utena: Anthy? (shakes her) Wake up! Oh my God! HIMEMIYA!  
  
Touga: Don't yell!  
  
Miki: NO! My shining thing!  
  
Utena: Back off. Anthy are you okay? Are you okay?!  
  
Anthy: ...  
  
Utena: NO! She's dead! (cries) Anthy! I love you!  
  
Anthy: There.  
  
All: Huh?  
  
Anthy: The moment of Silence is over.  
  
All: (falls over anime style)  
  
Utena: Don't scare us like that.  
  
Miki: Yeah, "shining thing."  
  
(crickets)  
  
Akio: He can get us at any second!  
  
Touga: Huh? Saionji.  
  
Akio: It doesn't matter where we hide. The author can do as he pleases!  
  
Touga: Oh. Well, then doesn't that mean that he's making us hide here right now?  
  
Akio: Shhh! Don't mess with my hypothesis.  
  
Juri: Why did I hide in this storage room with you guys?  
  
(footsteps are heard outside)  
  
Touga: Everybody. Quiet!  
  
(step step step)  
  
Miki: (whimper)  
  
(step step step)  
  
Akio: (shiver)  
  
(step step step)  
  
--Slowly, the door opens. Light crashes into the room and the figure is lapsed in shadow.  
  
Akio: Don't kill me please!  
  
--The figure steps in and shuts the door.  
  
Juri: Shiori?  
  
Shiori: I was just looking for you guys. Why are you in here?  
  
Touga: How did you find us?  
  
Shiori: I heard a TV.  
  
Touga: Oh. Damn.  
  
Shiori: So why are you all hiding in here?  
  
Akio: Because!  
  
Miki: Someone is gonna die in this episode and we don't know who?  
  
Shiori: Can't you just read the script?  
  
Touga: All it said was that we all hide in here. So here we are.  
  
Utena: Wait a second, Touga. If the script says that we're hiding in here...then if Saionji reads his script...  
  
Touga: Fuck.  
  
Juri: Fuck is right. We're screwed! We can't leave now. We'll be way to suspicious!  
  
Touga: What do we do then?  
  
Juri: We need a new plan!  
  
Miki: Dig!  
  
Touga: What?  
  
Anthy: Are you suggesting that we dig a whole in the ground and tunnel away?  
  
Miki: Yeah!  
  
Touga: Okay, that's just stupid.  
  
Akio: The floors are tiled with linoleum and under that is wood paneling. Plus, we don't have any digging utensils.  
  
Touga: (giggling) Utensils. Utena! HAHAHAHA!  
  
Utena: Grrr...leave me alone Toga!  
  
Touga: How dare you call me a toga!  
  
Juri: You called her a utensil!  
  
Touga: JURY!  
  
Juri: Hey!  
  
Miki: At least no one can make fun of my name.  
  
(crickets)  
  
All (except for Miki): AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Miki: Hey!  
  
Akio: M-I-C-  
  
Touga: C ya real soon.  
  
Akio: K-E-Y  
  
Juri: Y? It's 'cause we like you.  
  
All (except for Miki): M-O-U-S-E!!!  
  
Miki: Hey!  
  
Anthy: I like sing-a-longs!  
  
Utena: And what's up with the fact that your name is Miki-four letters-but your nickname is Mickey-six letters-it's longer and it sounds almost exactly the same.  
  
Miki: Not one person that sees the name Utena that hasn't seen it before can pronounce it!  
  
Akio: Yu-teena!  
  
Utena: Shut up!  
  
Miki: And what about Akio and Anthy! Are they black or what? Nobody ever says anything, but I gotta know!  
  
Anthy: We're supposed to be Indian.  
  
Miki: We'll why don't you look Indian?  
  
Touga: You guys just look black with a bindi.  
  
Akio: Oh, thanks.  
  
Utena: And what about that mullet?  
  
Akio: Leave it alone.  
  
Utena: The good thing is you have to cut it off for the movie.  
  
Akio: Don't remind me.  
  
Anthy: I have to get a perm for the movie.  
  
Utena: Me too. And I have to tie it up to look like a boy for half of it.  
  
Anthy: But this time we get THREE on screen kisses!  
  
Utena: WHOO-HOO!!!  
  
Touga: Well, my hair just has to grow some more. And I get to sleep with Shiori.  
  
Akio & Touga: AGAIN! HAHAHAHA!  
  
Juri: (whimper) But don't you get molested...and don't you drown to death?  
  
Touga: (whispers) If it wasn't for you, yeah.  
  
Juri: What?!  
  
Touga: Nothing. (whispers) Red shoe wearing whore!  
  
Miki: I have to let my hair grow. It's gonna be like a mullet in progress. (whimpers)  
  
Juri: My hair is longer and with less curls. It's hot!  
  
Anthy: But we already made the movie.  
  
Akio: It was just a phantom of existence!  
  
Touga: Again? You really need to stop that.  
  
Anthy: Watch the news everybody!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
E-ko: I have the most totally scandalous tape!  
  
F-ko: Well, I have the most totally scandalashious videotape!  
  
E-ko: Well, I have the most totally scandalashious-ish-ish-ous DVD!  
  
F-ko: Fine. You win!  
  
E-ko: Yay! Let's have a look-see!  
  
(DVD is playing)  
  
F-ko: Hey! That's the freaky movie that kills you from The Ring.  
  
E-ko: Oh, sorry. Next!  
  
(playing)  
  
Touga: Konnichiwa. Kiryuu Touga-desu. Namae-wa nan-desu ka?  
  
Akio: Hello. I'm Touga Kiryuu. What is your name?  
  
Touga: Anata-wa kanji-te i-masu d?yatte-desu ka? I-idesu ka?  
  
Akio: How are you feeling? Good?  
  
Touga: Watashi-to ki-masu.  
  
Akio: Come with me.  
  
Touga: Bangohan-de, odotte i-masu...  
  
Akio: Dinner, dancing...  
  
Touga: Anata-no bango nan-desu ka?  
  
Akio: What is your number?  
  
Touga: Sayonara.  
  
Akio: Goodbye.  
  
Touga: Soreja.  
  
Akio: See you.  
  
(DVD stop)  
  
F-ko: What was that?  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Utena: Yeah, what was that?  
  
Touga: Akio and I made a "self-help" video for guys to pick up women in Japanese.  
  
Juri: Oh, yeah, that's a necessity. Wherever you travel, you've got to be able to get a date.  
  
Akio: Exactly.  
  
Juri: (sigh)  
  
Shiori: Either of you two want a date?  
  
Touga: Hai.  
  
Akio: Yes.  
  
Touga: Bangohan-desu ka?  
  
Akio: Dinner?  
  
Shiori: Yukkuri it-te kudasai.  
  
Akio: Please say it slower.  
  
Juri: Jesus! Shiori! Stop it!  
  
Shiori: (giggles)  
  
Juri: I'm tired of this. I'm leaving.  
  
Miki: NO! Juri, you'll die!  
  
Juri: At the moment, I don't care. I say we all go to the courtroom and get it all over with. You cannot escape fate. If one of us was meant to die in this episode then let it be!  
  
Anthy: Very profound.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
F-ko: Can I show my tape now?  
  
E-ko: Yes. Mine was a little dumb.  
  
F-ko: At least there wasn't a cow in it this time.  
  
E-ko: Yeah.  
  
F-ko: Here's mine!  
  
(tape in...play)  
  
Akio: You still should have invited that girl.  
  
Touga: You mean Keiko?  
  
Akio: Yes. Three guys is going to be a little...well...different.  
  
Saionji: Trying to sound innocent, are we?  
  
Akio: Just cautious.  
  
Touga: How silly Mr. Cameraman.  
  
Saionji: What's with the camera anyway?  
  
Akio: I have a collection.  
  
Touga: I hate having to help label and catalogue all of those.  
  
Saionji: Okay. What have I gotten myself into?  
  
Akio: A big dose of yaoi-fangirl-bishonen-fanservice!  
  
Saionji: What if someone finds the tape?  
  
Touga: Don't worry about it. Let's see, it's not too late for me to call Nanami's friends if you want.  
  
Akio: Hmmm...I'm thinking.  
  
Saionji: I don't think I'm ready for...  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Utena: (turning TV off) Sweet Jesus!  
  
Miki: AHHHHHH!!! My eyes! My virgin eyes!  
  
Akio: Holy crap!  
  
Touga: Uh oh. Saionji's gonna kill you!  
  
Akio: Why me?  
  
Touga: You had the camera!  
  
Akio: So! You said: "don't worry about it!"  
  
Touga: SO!  
  
Akio: He's gonna kill you not me!  
  
Touga: No you!  
  
Akio: You!  
  
Touga: You!  
  
Akio: YOU!  
  
Touga: YOU!!!  
  
Juri: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!  
  
(crickets)  
  
Juri: Let's go! Who's with me?  
  
Utena: I'll go. Come on Anthy.  
  
Anthy: Okay, Prince Utena.  
  
Shiori: I'll go.  
  
Miki: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Juri: Don't worry; I'll drag him there. Come on! Even you two!  
  
Touga & Akio: Damn.  
  
--They all go up to the courtroom in the freakishly cramped elevator. The courtroom looks the same, but Saionji is nowhere to be found. Instead, Midori sits nobly at the judge's seat.  
  
Juri: Midori? But where is...  
  
Midori: Have you all forgotten? I am the new judge.  
  
Shiori: AAAAHHH! It's me! I knew it! Evilmini is gonna kill me!  
  
Midori: Take you seats please. Ahem. Now, please raise your hand if you like my brother as a friend and only a friend.  
  
--Touga shakes his hand (like: Eeee, kinda.)  
  
Midori: Anyone like him more than a friend?  
  
(crickets)  
  
Midori: Okay, who doesn't like him?  
  
--All hands shoot up; Touga still quivers his hand.  
  
Midori: Okay. Then I hope that no one objects to my previous judgment.  
  
Utena: What judgment?  
  
Midori: You see, Kyouichi and I got into a little brother/sister spat and well, I sort of lost it and...and...  
  
Touga: And what?  
  
Midori: Ran him through with his katana.  
  
Touga: oh.  
  
Miki: (gulp)  
  
Akio: Ok?  
  
Utena: Ran him through, huh?  
  
Anthy: Now he can't hurt Chu Chu.  
  
Utena: Anthy!  
  
Anthy: Sorry.  
  
Midori: Okay. Well, meeting adjourned. See you all tomorrow. And don't be late. That's a little pet peev of mine. (grin)  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*TO BE CONTINUED*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Is Midori crazy? Why did she kill Saionji? Did everybody for get about the tape from the end of Episode II? Why can't the author think of anymore questions, except for the famous...why is the author so damn sexy? Whooot! Um...I literally can't think of any questions. Hmmm...Jesus Christ! Oh, well. See you for the next installment of Witch Hunt!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 


	7. Impatience and Nagging

Witch Hunt!  
  
Episode VII: Impatience and Nagging  
  
(A/N) Hello all, finally! I got enough votes! Took you all long enough. And...I don't want to name any names, but some of you (even after reading my letter in the last chapter [not naming names] still didn't vote!) I had to go through and guess who you'd pick. For instance, one reviewer by the name of [name changed for the safety of the reviewer Black Dios] ... Dlack Bios did not vote in their review so I assumed that they would have voted for Dios. Get it? Also, because I didn't get that many votes and some of you mentioned two bishonen, I added a tally for each. Anyway, I just want to say thanks to all my "fans" and I hope you enjoy the episode...thank you.  
  
--Riding the elevator up to the top where the courtroom where death-tolls dwelled...  
  
Touga: Can we just stay in here?  
  
Juri: Why?  
  
Touga: That psycho's gonna kill us, Juri!  
  
Juri: No she won't. Just don't make her mad.  
  
Touga: Oh, yeah, thanks. Comin' from the girl she's got a crush on!  
  
Juri: No she doesn't!  
  
Touga: I heard her!  
  
Juri: WHAT?! What did you hear?!  
  
Touga: At the barbeque! (mimicking) Yes, that's right I'm her girlfriend, so back off Shiori!  
  
Juri: She was just helping me out! To get Shiori away from me! She doesn't like me!  
  
Touga: Sure sure. Whatever. I beg to differ.  
  
Miki: (sleeping in the corner...yes all you Miki fangirls! He's sleeping all cute and bundled up in the corner...happy!)  
  
Touga: What the...?  
  
Juri: Don't know; don't care.  
  
Miki: (snore) Mummy? (sniff) I want to marry her...  
  
Touga: Huh?  
  
Juri: Shut up and listen.  
  
Miki: Shh-hh-ining th-hing! (reaches out)  
  
Juri & Touga: (leaning in to listen)  
  
Miki: Shining thing!!! Where are you?! I must have you! I will win! You! You are mine! I shall have you with me forever...play! Play your sweet music nightingale!  
  
Juri: Ooookkay?  
  
Miki: (grab)  
  
Juri: AAHHH!!!  
  
Miki: (holding Juri by accident) Oh shining thing! How I worship you!  
  
Juri: Don't just stand there! Help me Touga!  
  
Touga: Just play along for a little bit. Maybe I'll get to find out...who is Miki's shining thing?!! BUM BUM BUM!!!  
  
Juri: Grrr...fine. But don't we already know that it's Anthy? I've seen the show up through the Black Rose Saga.  
  
Touga: That's it?! I can't wait till you find out what happens to you in the Apocalypse Saga on Tempation.  
  
Juri: Huh?  
  
Touga: Don't worry about it! (snickers) Anyway, listen to Miki.  
  
Miki: SHINING THING!!! Come to me in heart and spirit as I hold your fragile body in my arms!  
  
Juri: This is getting fucking weird Touga! Wake him up!  
  
Touga: No!  
  
Juri: What do you mean, no? WAKE HIM UP!  
  
Touga: NO! I have to find out!  
  
Juri: Look through the script!  
  
Touga: (thumping through the script to the episode) Hmmm...OOPS! We skipped a part!  
  
Juri: Huh? We did?  
  
Touga: Yeah.  
  
Juri: What'd we skip?  
  
Touga: Let's see...I was supposed to ask you how you felt about Midori.  
  
Juri: Oh, that would probably be an important part to the so-called "plot" of this story.  
  
Touga: There was a plot?  
  
(Evilmini: Cue laughter!)  
  
Juri: Do we have to go back?  
  
Touga: What do you think?  
  
Juri: Fine.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Touga: Can we just stay in here?  
  
Juri: Why?  
  
Touga: That psycho's gonna kill us, Juri!  
  
Juri: No she won't. Just don't make her mad.  
  
Touga: Oh, yeah, thanks. Comin' from the girl she's got a crush on!  
  
Juri: No she doesn't!  
  
Touga: I heard her!  
  
Juri: WHAT?! What did you hear?!  
  
Touga: At the barbeque! (mimicking) Yes, that's right I'm her girlfriend, so back off Shiori!  
  
Juri: She was just helping me out! To get Shiori away from me! She doesn't like me!  
  
Touga: (reading script) Why so defensive? What, do you have a crush on her?  
  
Juri: (looking over to Touga's script) What no I...what does that say? Oh, I don't like Midori. Why do you think I have this locket Juri grabs locket under her jacket...huh? Oh!  
  
Touga: Honestly, Juri.  
  
Juri: Sorry, I didn't see the italics!  
  
Touga: Just read your lines!  
  
Juri: Fine. Ahem...  
  
Touga: What?  
  
Juri: It's your line idiot!  
  
Touga: Oh...(reads) You won't after...wait that doesn't make any sense.  
  
Juri: Here, I'll back up a line. (reads) I don't like Midori. Why do you think I keep this locket?  
  
Touga: Have, not keep.  
  
Juri: SAME THING!!! Grrr. Fine...ahem...I don't like Midori! Why do think I HAVE this locket?  
  
Touga: You won't after episode thirty! HAHAHAA!!! Hey, that's a funny joke! Thanks.  
  
Juri: (rolls eyes) Sure. (reads) Then I'll just get a new locket. Maybe even with a new picture...  
  
Touga: Cue Miki sleeping.  
  
Miki: (snore)  
  
Touga: What the...?  
  
Juri: Don't know; don't care.  
  
Miki: (snore) Mummy? (sniff) I want to marry her...  
  
Touga: Huh?  
  
Juri: Shut up and listen.  
  
Miki: Shh-hh-ining th-hing! (reaches out)  
  
Juri & Touga: (leaning in to listen)  
  
Miki: Shining thing!!! Where are you?! I must have you! I will win! You! You are mine! I shall have you with me forever...play! Play your sweet music nightingale!  
  
Juri: Ooookkay?  
  
Miki: (grab)  
  
Juri: AAHHH!!!  
  
Miki: (holding Juri by accident) Oh shining thing! How I worship you!  
  
Juri: Don't just stand there! Help me Touga!  
  
Touga: Just play along for a little bit. Maybe I'll get to find out...who is Miki's shining thing?!! BUM BUM BUM!!!  
  
Juri: Grrr...fine. But don't we already know that it's Anthy? I've seen the show up through the Black Rose Saga.  
  
Touga: That's it?! I can't wait till you find out what happens to you in the Apocalypse Saga on Tempation.  
  
Juri: Huh?  
  
Touga: Don't worry about it! (snickers) Anyway, listen to Miki.  
  
Miki: SHINING THING!!! Come to me in heart and spirit as I hold your fragile body in my arms!  
  
Juri: This is getting fucking weird Touga! Wake him up!  
  
Touga: No!  
  
Juri: What do you mean, no? WAKE HIM UP!  
  
Touga: NO! I have to find out!  
  
Juri: Now what?  
  
Touga: Listen.  
  
Miki: SHINEY! SHINEY! SHINING THING!  
  
Touga: Oh, the suspense is killing me! Is it gonna be anime or manga? Nobody knows!  
  
Miki: (sniffs) Sh...(wakes up) AAHHHHHHHH! Juri! What are you doing! AAAHHHH!!!  
  
Juri: Shit! Touga! I told you!  
  
Touga: Sorry! Sorry!  
  
Miki: AAAHHHH! Say the thing! Touga! Get me outta here!!!  
  
Touga: OPEN SESAME!!!  
  
Juri: Seriously.  
  
Touga: It was worth a try. I don't wanna say the whole thing!  
  
--Magically, the doors fly open!  
  
Miki: (running out blindly) Thank you! Thank you! (opening eyes)  
  
--Akio and all the "dead" characters are standing in position. They are all dressed up as a J-Rock band: Akio at lead vocals, Saionji at lead guitar, Mamiya at the tambourine, Mikage at the base guitar, Kozue and Kanae are back up singers, and Nanami is at the drums.  
  
Touga: What the hell?  
  
Akio: Nan machigat-te i-masu ka?  
  
Touga: Nothings wrong with me? What's wrong with you?  
  
Akio: Ie.  
  
Juri: Okay this is just weird.  
  
Akio: Ichi.  
  
Saionji: Ni.  
  
Akio: Ichi, ni!  
  
Saionji: San, yon!  
  
All: GO!!!  
  
Touga: Rrrrright!  
  
Juri: Nice intro though.  
  
Akio: (singing) Ikani!  
  
Juri: Ego-ga kudasai!  
  
Akio: Ie! (singing) Watachi-wa bichi-ni it-te, Kiki-o mi-masen. Kanojo-ga i- masu, "Euuhuhei!" Watashi-wa i-masu, "Ikani!"  
  
Juri: What the hell?  
  
Touga: It's a loosely translated version of...  
  
Akio: Ikani! Kono shoujo-wa watashi-ni ki-te, "Chotto! Kono bishonen nan- desu ka?" E, ikani!"  
  
Touga: United States of Whatever.  
  
Juri: Oh, that song...  
  
Akio: Ikani! Atode-wa puruharu-ni kara, kono shoujo-ga ki-masu. Kanojo-ga i- masu, "Awww." I-masu, "Hai, ikani!"  
  
Miki: He's not making any sense!!!  
  
Touga: The song sounds better in English.  
  
Juri: This is just awkward.  
  
Akio: Desu isu mai Yunaitede Tsutetsu ofu Watefu!  
  
Touga: AHAHAAAA!!! Watefu!  
  
Akio: Desu isu mai Yunaitede Tsutetsu ofu Watefu! Desu isu mai Yunaitede Tsutetsu ofu Watefu! Gozen san-ji machikado-ni watashi-wa kawa-o ki-masu. Koitsu ki-te, i-masu, "Chotto panku!" I-masu, "E, ikani!"  
  
Miki: Is it almost over! Make it stop! Make it stop!  
  
Akio: Watashi-wa saikoro-o roji-ni tounyuu-mashita. Riroi-san ki-te, I- masu, "I-de omoi-masu..." "E, ikani!"  
  
Touga: Last verse...I think.  
  
Akio: Zafa-san ki-masu. "Chotto!" "Chotto!" "I-idesu ne?" (pause) Desu isu mai Yunaitede Tsutetsu ofu Watefu! Desu isu mai Yunaitede Tsutetsu ofu Watefu! Desu isu mai Yunaitede Tsutetsu ofu Watefu!  
  
(crickets)  
  
Touga: Honestly, Akio! Have you lost your mind?  
  
Akio: Ie, bakayaro!  
  
Touga: Nani anata-wa I-masu ka?!  
  
Akio: BAKAYARO!  
  
Touga: CHIKUSOME!!!  
  
Juri: STOP IT! Everybody in English now!  
  
Touga: Fine.  
  
Akio: Fine.  
  
Miki: Finally!  
  
Touga: What was all of that?  
  
Akio: It's my new J-rock band: Jealousy's Phantom!  
  
Touga: Nice title!  
  
Akio: Arigato.  
  
Juri: AKIO!  
  
Akio: Sorry... "thank you."  
  
Touga: So, how'd you get them to play?  
  
Akio: I'm Akio! I have the power! I can make anybody live as phantoms.  
  
Touga: Oh, yeah, forgot about that. So why'd you bring them back anyway?  
  
Akio: You want the truth or the (quote fingers) "truth."  
  
Touga: Um...the truth.  
  
Akio: Damn! I can't tell you my super-duper secret planny thingy!  
  
Touga: Why not?  
  
Akio: Because...then it won't work.  
  
Touga: More End of the World stuff?  
  
Akio: Yeah.  
  
Touga: Oh.  
  
Akio: Well...I can let you in on a little secret...  
  
Touga: I'm listening.  
  
Akio: The first part of my plan is to promote my band with the aide of the power to REVOLUTIONIZE THE WORLD!!! MUAHAHAHAAA!  
  
Touga: Yeah...right...how?  
  
Akio: Seduce Utena...again.  
  
Touga: And you think that's going to work?  
  
Akio: Sure, why not?  
  
--Meanwhile Juri is walking around poking the frozen phantoms and Miki punching the Kozue phantom screaming.  
  
Miki: I'll show you!!! Rubber ducky my-  
  
Juri: Poke poke poke! Hahaha! This is way too fun. (looks around cautiously) POKE! AHAHAAAA!  
  
--Back in the elevator...of DEATH! (God I love saying that! Being the narrator kicks ass!) Anthy, Utena, and Midori stand enigmatically as silhouettes in the dark elevator as cryptic organ music plays in the background.  
  
Anthy: If it cannot fly from its cage, the nightingale shall die without truly living free. I am that nightingale, the roses are my cage. If we do not destroy the rose's garden, I shall die without truly living free. Destroy the cult of the roses! FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!  
  
Utena: Ooo, that was a good one Anthy. Very symbolic.  
  
Midori: I agree. Now it's my turn. Ahem... If it cannot stray from its shadow, the other shall whither without truly being cared for. I am the other; my brother is the shadow. If I we do not stop my brother, I shall die without truly being cared for. End my brother's life. FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!!!  
  
Utena: Um, yeah, that's a little scary.  
  
Anthy: (clapping blindly) Great job, Midori-sempai!  
  
Midori: Thank you. Your turn Tenjou.  
  
Utena: Okay. Here goes nothing. If it cannot escape from conformity, the Prince shall die without truly reaching nobility. I am the Prince; society is conformity. If we do not find our true selves, then we shall all perish without truly reaching nobility. Escape from conformity. FOR THE REVOLUTION OF THE WORLD!!!  
  
Midori: Deep.  
  
Anthy: Yeah, for Prince Utena!!!  
  
--The elevator doors open. Midori walks out, as Anthy and Utena follow. Akio prepares to perform again while Touga, Miki and Juri scatter to the side.  
  
Akio: Ichi!  
  
Saionji: Ni!  
  
Akio: Ichi, ni!  
  
Sanioji: San, shi!  
  
All: GO!!!  
  
--With a snap of Midori's hand, Anthy makes an upward motion with her arms and the phantoms disappear and Akio is returned to his usual crappy ensemble.  
  
Akio: What the?  
  
--Midori snaps her other fingers and Utena charges towards Akio tackling him and pinning him to the ground with the Sword of Dios at his throat.  
  
Akio: Huh?  
  
Midori: (with a wicked smile) I hear you have been plotting something mischievous behind my back.  
  
Akio: Me? No no no.  
  
Utena: (tightening her grip on the sword) Really...well, then you won't be afraid to appear in court then will you?  
  
Akio: Shit!  
  
Touga: Oh, dude, that sucks.  
  
Juri: Major.  
  
Miki: TOTALLY!  
  
Touga & Juri: (stare)  
  
Miki: What?!!!  
  
Midori: Let the hearing commence!  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
--Midori sits at the judges' stand (not dressed as a pilgrim judge, but a present day one) and Anthy (in police attire) stands in front of the stand with a Rose Seal Bible in hand. Utena sits at a small stenographers' desk. The remaining student council members sit in the jury and Akio sits angrily on the stand.  
  
Midori: State your crime!  
  
Akio: Plotting something behind your back...blah blah blah.  
  
Midori: Oh don't talk back to me, I'm Judge Midori!  
  
Anthy: Tell it like it is sister!  
  
Akio: Hey, she's not your sister! You're my sister!  
  
Anthy: Boy, you straight trippin'!  
  
Touga: (raises his hand) Um, can you read that back?  
  
Utena: Hmmm...Akio: Hey, she's not your sister! You're my sister! Anthy: Boy, you straight tripping?  
  
Touga: Ahahaha! Haha...whiteness.  
  
Midori: Order! Judge Midori needs order!  
  
Anthy: Tell it on the mountain!  
  
Midori: Do have anything to say before we burn you at the stake?  
  
Akio: WHAT?!!! Burn me? AT THE STAKE??!!!!  
  
Utena: Yes.....would you like it repeated?  
  
Akio: FUCK NO!  
  
Midori: Order! You don't cuss in front of Judge Midori!  
  
Anthy: Uh huh, sister child!  
  
Touga: (raises hand) Haaahaa...hm hm hmm...(holding in laughter)  
  
Juri: Put your hand down.  
  
Touga: Hmm hm hm hmmm...Hahaaaa!  
  
Akio: Do you have any evidence?  
  
Midori: Of course! First off, you told Touga.  
  
Akio: Damn!  
  
Midori: Okay, burn him!  
  
Akio: NO! Um...all my friends and family will miss me!  
  
(crickets)  
  
Akio: My fangirls? At the very least, they'll miss me!  
  
Midori: Evidence number two.  
  
Anthy: Numero uno!  
  
Midori: Yes, well, for this we have a witness/ special guest.  
  
Miki: NO! Don't bring her BACK!!!  
  
Juri: Holy crap! Not again.  
  
Touga: Who is it?  
  
Midori: None other than the author, of course.  
  
Akio: Damn.  
  
--I walk out looking sooo damn sexy (as always) with my long black flowing coat and dark long hair. (BLUE EYES!!!)  
  
Evilmini: Hello everyone. The evidence I have brought with me today are the results to the survey.  
  
All: (gasp)  
  
Evilmini: Behold! The results to the Favorite Bishonen Contest! Now mind you the tally is loose...  
  
Midori: We know, just release the evidence.  
  
Evilmini: Okay, okay. Well, Dios, Mikage, and Touga tied at two votes each.  
  
Touga: Tied?!! Damn.  
  
Evilmini: I came in second with four votes! WHOOT!!!  
  
Touga: (grumble) Grrr.  
  
Evilmini: And sadly. The winner of this stupid thing is none other than that little freaky twerp who is very insane, has a crush on this one chick because she reminds him of his pure sister (before she became a whore), stopwatch wielding, closety piano dwelling, Touga fanaticizing, shiny thing obsessed, "I'll fight to save your music" even though it happens to not be in danger at all, twin complex, crazy but allegedly cute...Miki Kaoru.  
  
Miki: Huh? Me? You all really love me?  
  
Evilmini: Most fangirls watch something and see all of the cuteness on the surface and don't dissect the symbolism to see the kind of freak you really are.  
  
Touga: You fanaticize about me?  
  
Miki: Huh? NO!  
  
Evilmini: Whatever. Watch the Sunlit Garden Episodes!  
  
Miki: (looking around for an escape) AAAHHHH!!! Leave me alone!  
  
Evilmini: Say a speech to your little fans out there.  
  
Miki: Um, okay. (click of the stopwatch) Thank you all for voting for me. I...I get kind of nervous during things like this. Um, well all I can think to say is thank you to all my fans. I love you all! And if any of you have short hair that flips out a little then call me at-  
  
Evilmini: Okay that's enough!  
  
Midori: Okay, burn him.  
  
Akio: Didn't anyone vote for me?  
  
Evilmini: Yes.  
  
Akio: Who?  
  
Evilmini: Demongirl666.  
  
Akio: Oh her? Meeee-ouch! I've got some shoujo's to catch!  
  
Evilmini: Crap!  
  
Touga: Let him go. He's in a better place now.  
  
Evilmini: Whatever. I don't care.  
  
Midori: Well, I guess that's over with. He's much too stupid to plot against me. Court is adjourned.  
  
Touga: Finally! Come on, let's fire up the elevator.  
  
*~*~*~*TO BE CONTINUED*~*~*~*  
  
Will Akio ever find Demongirl666? Who will Midori bring to court next? How black can Anthy get? Why didn't the author win the contest? That freaking sucks! No matter, the author is even sexier than before, so hahaha! Isn't Anthy REALLY supposed to be Indian? Oh, well, she looks too black. What more can the author say? Oh well...happy TURKEY DAY!!! All of these answers and less in the next installment of Witch Hunt!  
  
*Hey, guys! Give me some suggestions cause my brain is drainin' and the mini muffins aren't working like they used to. So thanks and please review and suggest. And if you can't think of anything now, eMail me later at evilmini86@yahoo.com! Arigato! 


	8. The Prince and the Playa'

Witch Hunt!  
  
Episode VIII: The Prince and the Playa'  
  
(A/N: Hello again.........well my friends here is another installment of Witch Hunt. But before we get started there is a little bit of business I must attend to. Reviewer, Shuichi-kun, has stated a "typo" of sorts in the last installment. Now, I have looked through the chapter again and I cannot find the typo myself, but I probably missed it. As you all know, I frequently pop into the action-filled storylines when need be. And when I popped in last episode, Shuichi-kun noted, that I said I was a "her." And poor Shuichi-kun [and I quote] *blinks in confusion*.........that's what she did. And I don't know if any of you have read my profile, but it doesn't help matters of determining my gender much. It actually confuses me when I read it, causing me to look down and confirm it to myself. Well, now I almost don't feel like telling you guys, but to make sure that Shuichi-kun doesn't *blink in confusion* I shall give you all a super magic big hint! Read the sentence two before this one......... "It actually.........to myself." That sentence should explain it. And if you don't get it, well, if I do check.........there's something there to greet me! So yeah.........plus I put myself on the Bishonen list! I just like making people guess crap. It makes me feel mysterious and special. Oh, well.........*cries* that's okay.........I'll be fine. *smiles* ON WITH THE EPISODE!!!)  
  
--The court is set as all of the usual members sit in their usual places. Midori (tired of the Judge Judy Joke)  
  
[alliteration is the key!]  
  
--continues to hold trials even though everyone is tired of it an finds it extremely vapid and useless.  
  
Midori: Now! Everyone. Next up on trial is.........  
  
Touga: Really, this is getting old fast. Can we move onto a better premise?  
  
Juri: He's right. It stopped being about the trials a long time ago.  
  
Midori: When?  
  
Juri: Um.........  
  
Midori: I want evidence. Back up your claim!  
  
Touga: (under breath) As soon as you showed up.........  
  
Midori: What was that, Touga? Care to repeat? (holding up a shotgun)  
  
Touga: It's just weird. You're a new character and all and there's no Saionji. It's just.........weird.  
  
Midori: Don't blame that on me! It was the will of End of the World. All of this was his will!  
  
Touga: He needed them for that stupid band, didn't he? You're just another one of his pawns.  
  
Midori: So were you. I want power. And Akio is power.  
  
Juri: So you are just going to throw your life away for that?!  
  
Midori: It's not throwing my life away! I'm gaining a better one! (slides her fingers down the shotgun revealing the signet ring)  
  
Touga: Where did you get that?!  
  
Midori: The only way possible.  
  
Touga: Saionji.  
  
Midori: If there is really that much of a problem due to my late brother's absence, you can call me Saionji. It's my name too after all.  
  
Touga: You are not Saionji!  
  
Midori: Fine. Whatever. But power shall be mine!  
  
Utena: But how could you?! You've betrayed my trust just like everybody at this school.  
  
Anthy: Then you shouldn't be so surprised, Miss Utena.  
  
Midori: No one stand in my way. I follow the will of End of the World, and soon that power shall rain on me and the only will left shall be mine!!!  
  
--All of a sudden, Dios falls from the sky and lands in front of the stand. Anthy and Utena run to his sides.  
  
Dios: You think you have the power to become End of the World? To do that, you must loose all truth and purity in your heart. That is why the crappy evil and demented me became Akio.........the devil. But when I was a kind prince, everyone took advantage of me. So I figured: 'hey, Dios, there's got to be a gray area in between all of this.' I'm a nice guy and great with the ladies. I don't get to close, 'cause they'll use me. But I don't use them either. I'm a prince and a playa'.  
  
Midori: Okay, why are you telling me this.  
  
Dios: Because.........don't you see it. The big ass broach? That's princely bling bling.  
  
Midori: Princely bling bling?  
  
Touga: The dark tanned skin.  
  
Dios: I'm kind and noble but I'm still from the streets.  
  
Midori: Okay?  
  
Juri: The rings.  
  
Dios: I give presents to all my hoes. Fo' real though!  
  
Midori: Rrrright.........  
  
Dios: You see.........(singing) I love it when you call me Big Dios. Wave yo swords in the air; kill the witch over there.  
  
Anthy: Big Dios!!!  
  
Utena: Whachu doin?  
  
Dios: Nothing chillin at the Holidae In!  
  
Utena: Who you wit?  
  
Dios: Me and my peeps won't you bring four of your friends.  
  
Utena: What we gon' do?  
  
Dios: Feel on each other and sip on some Hen One thing leading to another let the party begin.  
  
Anthy: BIG DIOS!!!  
  
Dios: It's getting' hot in herre, so disappear in your clothes.  
  
Anthy: I am getting' so hot, I need to make some shaved ice!  
  
Midori: What does this have to do with me?  
  
Dios: I'm trying to convince you into not becoming end of the world. Sure, it's fun at first.........but once you find yourself takin' your shirt off all the time and raping your sister, and eating flowers.........it just gets weird.  
  
Midori: I can imagine. But I assure you.........  
  
Dios: A hell naw? She ain't talkin' back to me.  
  
Touga: Don't talk back to Big Dios.  
  
Midori: I am not going to call him that.  
  
Dios: Oh, whigger please! I love it when you call me Big Dios!  
  
Midori: NO! I am End of the WORLD!!!  
  
Dios: Fine. Do what you want. But you are going to have to cut off some of that pretty hair of yours.  
  
Midori: Why?  
  
Dios: Duh! The mullet!  
  
Midori: Hell naw!  
  
Dios: I think she's getting it.  
  
Midori: I think I understand Big Dios.  
  
Dios: Finally!  
  
Midori: The way you just materialized out of the sky. The way you appeared here and sang your little songs. I understand Big Dios.  
  
Dios: That's good.  
  
Midori: I understand that you're a witch!  
  
BANG!  
  
Anthy: AAAHHHHHH! Dios! (pain shoots out inside Anthy) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Utena: What's wrong Anthy?! (grabbing Anthy)  
  
--Anthy falls limp and her Rose Bride Dress appears on her body as a light luminates from her chest.  
  
Utena: ANTHY!!!  
  
--The handle of a gun appears from the light and Utena pulls it from its place.  
  
Utena: For the power to revolutionize the world!!! (holding the gun)  
  
Touga: Finally, some serious plot.  
  
Juri: And not one line from Miki.  
  
Miki: I'm still here.  
  
Touga & Juri: Damn.  
  
Utena: Midori, you've killed Dios. (aiming at Midori) And no matter how messed up he was, you had no right to kill him. I cannot allow anyone to hurt others this way, with such disregard for human life. I don't care about the power you strive to attain. But you are doing this wrong. And I cannot allow for another End of the World, especially not one as cruel as you.  
  
Midori: Fine. Do it. Shoot me.  
  
Utena: No. I challenge you.........to a duel. (the gun transforms into the Sword of Dios)  
  
Midori: Interesting. You will lose. (pulls out Saionji's katana) Ready?  
  
Utena: As I'll ever be.  
  
Miki: (clicks his stopwatch) Why can't we all just get along?  
  
PHOOM!!!  
  
Miki: (shrieks) AHHH!!! MY STOPWATCH!  
  
Voice: MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!  
  
(A/N: Yickes! It's sudden reviewer intrusion! Ahhh! Whoot!)  
  
Miki: Who are you?  
  
Voice: I am Quueenie! And now I have your stopwatch! It has been my life long goal to attain this! And now.........I HAVE IT!!! MUAHAHAHAAHAAA!  
  
Miki: NO! Come back! My precious! My PRECIOUS!!!  
  
PHOOM!!!  
  
Touga: She's gone. Just let it go.  
  
Miki: NOOOO!!!  
  
Juri: Dammit.  
  
--Meanwhile Akio runs about the campus searching for his beloved bishoujo, Demongirl666.........he goes from girl to girl, asking their names.........  
  
Akio: Excuse me miss?  
  
Wakaba: Shinohara! Shinohara Wakaba!  
  
Akio: Oh. Damn! (walks off)  
  
Wakaba: Hey! Come back!  
  
--Akio goes to the library to continue his search. He picks up his current reading material "the encyclopedia".  
  
Akio: Hmmm, let's see. What's the mindless fact for the day that will make me sound freakishly sexy, sensitive, smart, and suave for all the ladies. Hmmm, the nightingale is a beautiful bird native to Europe and known for its beautiful melody. From the Old English root, nihtegale, it literally translated means night singer. There is an old tale of a Chinese emperor and his love for a mechanical bird also called a nightingale with the same euphonic song. The emperor fell sick and missed the song of his beautiful nightingale.  
  
--Just then a voice from behind—  
  
Voice: Um, why are you reading that out loud?  
  
Akio: (turning) Why hello miss? What's your name if I may ask?  
  
Voice: Rose. But you can call me Demongirl.  
  
Akio: 666 or 666666?  
  
Demongirl: Well, 666 is the pin name but 666666 is the AIM screen name.  
  
Akio: So Touga was wrong.  
  
Demongirl: Huh?  
  
Obnoxious Teacher Lady with Ugly Glasses: Wait a second? Why are you here at Ohtori, in our school uniforms and attending the middle school! You aren't in the series!  
  
Demongirl: Well, I'm in this story now!  
  
Teacher: Are you a bishoujo? Only bishoujo's can enter this academy!  
  
Akio: Don't question it folks. The teacher works here; she doesn't attend.  
  
Teacher: HEY!  
  
--I dash into the scene, sending the teacher flying out of the library window. WHOOT!  
  
Evilmini: (wearing talkshowman crappy plaid suit and holding a microphone) Hey, everybody. And yes folks, she is a bishoujo! Dark DARK brown hair! Big brown eyes!  
  
Akio: (drools)  
  
Evilmini: See! She even has a bishonen chasing her! So I think she's qualified! (runs off) (returns) Thank you. (runs off again)  
  
Akio: Ooookay.........now where were we? Hey, where'd you go?  
  
Demongirl: (running away) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!  
  
(A/N: These reviewer intrusions are a bitch aren't they?)  
  
--Meanwhile, in the castle where eternity dwells...  
  
Kanae & Kozue: Give it to me baby!  
  
Saionji: Uh huh, uh huh!  
  
Kanae & Kozue: Give it to me baby!  
  
Saionji: Uh huh, uh huh!  
  
Mikage: And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly...for a white guy!  
  
Saionji: Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis!  
  
Dios: You know it's kinda hard just to get a look today Our subject isn't cool but he fakes it anyway He may not have a clue and he may not have style But everything he lacks, well, he makes up in denial.  
  
Mamiya: Stop! Stop singing! This castle is stupid! Everything in here is stupid! (cries) I wanna go home!  
  
Dios: You don't even really exist.  
  
Mamiya: SO?  
  
Dios: What home do you want to go to?  
  
Mamiya: ...  
  
Mikage: Leave him alone. He's a lonely little phantom boy. Leave him to me.  
  
Mamiya: Yay!  
  
Mikage: Not that right now. Save something for dessert.  
  
Mamiya: Hehehehe!  
  
Kanae: (hack) That's gross.  
  
Kozue: It's really boring here. There's nothing to do, you'd think we'd have more freedom being dead and all.  
  
Saionji: This blows. I have wanted to come here nearly half of my life and now that I'm here I can't wait to get out. I miss my Tou...I mean Anthy.  
  
Dios: We all know you're in love with Touga so don't even try to cover it up.  
  
Saionji: ...  
  
Dios: You guys can go back if you want to. Remember, this school is a phantom school anyway. Go ahead. Hell, I'll come with.  
  
--Meanwhile...  
  
CLASH  
  
KLING  
  
SWISH  
  
POW  
  
Juri: Stop making sound effects you ass.  
  
Touga: Hey! I can do as I please.  
  
Utena: The duel ended like twenty minutes ago.  
  
Touga: Really?  
  
Juri: Where were you?"  
  
Touga: I don't know. Sometimes when I'm just standing there playing with my hair, I'll start thinking about stuff and the next thing I know stuff like this happens.  
  
Utena: What do you remember?  
  
Touga: Hmmm...hippos...what if hippos weren't fat? What would they look like?  
  
Juri: Oh, please. (walks away)  
  
Miki: MY WATCH!!!!!  
  
SMACK!  
  
Juri: Shut up about it already! You'll get a new one!  
  
Miki: But I want that one!  
  
SMACK!  
  
Juri: Stop it Touga!  
  
Touga: What? I didn't say anything!  
  
Juri: You said 'smack'...twice.  
  
Touga: So, you smacked him twice.  
  
Juri: Grrrr! (walks over and beats up Touga)  
  
Touga: Blam! Smack! Kick! Punch! Wham! Pow! Boom! Sham! Boof!  
  
Utena: Sham and boof? What the hell is boof?  
  
Juri: This...(stomach punch to Touga)  
  
Touga: BOOF! (cough)  
  
Utena: Anthy...let's get outta here.  
  
Anthy: Where do you want to go?  
  
Utena: Um...what do you say about the outside world?  
  
Anthy: Are you going to turn into a car again?  
  
Utena: No.  
  
Anthy: Oh, okay then.  
  
*~*~*~*TO BE CONTINUED*~*~*~*  
  
Why did this chapter suck sooo much? Why did it take sooo long for Evilmini to update? Well, all I can say is that I am sooo sorry and all of you get to hit me with this...the patented BOOF Stick™!!! This is your reward for my slow updating...note: if some of the suff seems weird, it's cause I started it a LONG time ago and finished it today. Heh! Okay, well, continue to read...more to come. Will Akio find his newest love? Will Utena be able to get to the outside world without having to become a car...again? Will all the dead people come back? What happened to Midori? All of these answers and less in the next episode of WITCH HUNT!!!  
  
*Hey, guys! Give me some suggestions cause my brain is drainin' and the mini muffins aren't working like they used to. So thanks and please review and suggest. And if you can't think of anything now, eMail me later at evilmini86@yahoo.com! Arigato! 


End file.
